Rupture // h.s au

65. "I hadn't known."

Harry

The road blurred, as Louis drove us back. First, it was all empty, deserted, land. It was dry, dead-looking. It reminded me of how my heart felt in my chest. Then, trees began to fade into more trees. The green reminded me of how she used to describe my eyes when they looked at her. The wind was blowing, almost swaying the car, and I wished it'd be strong enough to turn us around, to push us against the direction we were driving, and just take me back to her. I'd beg and I'd cry and I'd plead for her to just come with me. To not make me leave, because something inside me had snapped, and I didn't know how to put it back in place.

My eyes felt heavy, as did everything else, falling onto the void, dark, sky. It was a starless night, but every time I blinked, I swore I saw a single star, shining brighter than the moon itself, and I couldn't help but think; oh, there you are, Autumn. It felt like she was following me, making sure we made it back safely. And I wanted to put my hand through the glass window, and reach out, to just hold her. Would she burn a hole through my hand? Would she shine too bright, she'd blind me? Would she shatter under my touch and rebirth? Would it really matter?

" God. I can't believe she won't be there anymore." Louis whispered, and I didn't know if it was meant to be heard, but it hurt like hell, and I had to close my eyes, to keep it all in. A tear fell against my filthy skin, and I wiped it away, maintaining my stare on that star I thought I could see, and every time it'd disappear behind a tree or a cloud, it'd feel like losing Autumn, over and over again.

" Louis," Zayn warned, with a tired sigh.

" Right. I just- I keep thinking of that raid we went on together, remember, Harry? When I was being a dick, and you got injured, and she was just livid with me." Louis laughed breathlessly, and I couldn't help but smile too. I could still feel her hands, roaming over my body, stitching every cut, mending every wound. I could still hear her voice, asking me questions to check for a concussion, sounding all firm and mighty, yet as tender as she'd allowed it to be. I could still smell her scent that highly resembled the season she was named after. I could remember it all, and when I closed my eyes again, I was back there; in my bed, with her hovering around me, like she'd somehow destroy the world that dared come near me. And she could. She was capable of ending worlds and starting new ones. I was certain, if she wanted to, she would have loved us all to oblivion.

" You were actually fighting over her at the time, right? Because this one, over here, was too stubborn to admit to his feelings towards her." Zayn patted my shoulder. And I appreciated his attempt, I did, but I didn't want anything to take the feeling of her away. Not yet anyway.

" There wasn't much of anything there for her at the time, I don't think. I hadn't known." I whispered, throat scratchy, airways closing in with exerted effort to constrain the sobs that were desperate to find a release.

" You doing okay? We're almost there." Louis laid a hand to my arm, squeezing in what felt like encouragement, with his eyes still on the road. I nodded, eyes falling shut, to release a tear or two. And if they'd seen it, then I was grateful they hadn't called me out for it. I had a feeling it was something that would occur quite often, now that she was gone. God. I couldn't believe she was gone.

" I hadn't known this would all happen. Hadn't known I'd love her so much. Hell, I hadn't even known I was capable of loving anyone this much. But I did. I do. It was the most overwhelming thing that had happened to me. We- we were always in each others' faces. Always fighting about shit that didn't even matter. Always yelling, like that was the only way the other would listen. And one day, I just woke up, and it was like, fuck, I'm in love with her. She was difficult when it came to a lot of things, but not this. Loving her was just- so fucking easy. And nothing is ever easy anymore. I hadn't known. I had no way of knowing."

I turned to my side, away from Louis' sympathetic gaze, and Zayn's helpless eyes. Feeling the ache spreading through my back, that had carried too much for it not to break. The star was still in the sky, and when I closed my heavy eyes, it was there too. So I didn't open them again. I just allowed the darkness to pull me under, and looked for her light to guide me through it. She was there. She was always there. And I figured, maybe the darkness wasn't so bad after all. 

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A/N: A bit short, I know, but it just felt like a complete chapter, you know, didn't want to purposelessly prolong it, so please let me know what you thought of this, it means a lot :)

I wrote over 2k words of the epilogue, which will be the 70th chapter, which means that we have 4 more chapters before that, then Rupture will officially come to an end :(

It honestly has been the craziest ride ever and I'm so grateful for this story and for you guys, you're awesome people and you make me very happy and that's not something easy to do :)

I also want to go on a bit of a rant about Harry and his new haircut and all that. Honestly, my twitter timeline is just horrid these days, with people freaking out over his haircut when he was attending his friend's funeral, who took his own life. Do you have any idea how that feels? Do you have any idea how he's coping with it, if at all? Yet you choose to demolish him into nothing more than a pretty face or a celebrity and honestly Harry deserves fucking better. So please, have respect for his privacy, and more importantly, for Matt's family. Give them time and space to grief. And just support them, or be quiet. They don't need any further negative energy. So, yeah. That's what I think. 

Anyway, till next time, ily x