thoughts ≠ sx

problematic males

some part of me wishes i was a girl that could waltze into a room and steal all the guys' attention in four seconds flat.

i am not one of those girls.

i am a girl that is normally sat in the back, laughing with her group of friends that is spectacularly cooler than everyone else's friend group.

i've never had a crush in my life.

oh, don't get me wrong, i think boys are beautiful. i am aware that they would hate that specific adjective, because they want a masculine trait, but i have a tendency to look at boys and see beauty than see a level of hotness that is entirely subjective.

i see boys' eyes and think wow, i wouldn't mind having those irises focused on me, but i'm realistic. boys + me have always equaled into a bad mix. and also- i have a hard time trusting people of the opposite gender. blame it on he-who-shall-not-be-named or something, guys are just harder to trust.

and besides- i'd rather be wingwoman than be the center stage leading lady.

i've always had stage fright.

and yeah, it's nice to have someone focus on you. to listen to you, to question whether you're upset or not, and yes, i am sure it is plenty enjoyable to have someone you can post cute pictures with and send each other weird textposts at 3am, but i wouldn't know.

i've never had a crush on anyone.

for my age, it's revolutionary. most people get a crush in fourth or fifth grade, and i'm sitting here like..nothing.

and i really am a helpless romantic, but i'm a romantic in the way that everyone is; i want a boy to hug when i'm sad and a boy who'll come to my events and cheer me on, a boy who i'll want to give everything up for.

i dream about a house, an apartment, and a small kitchen that's always big enough for the both of us, and warm smiles over coffee cups in the morning,
gentle caresses that i'll be frustrated about because you made me fall asleep during my favorite show and he'll laugh and tell me to go back to sleep.

i want late night dates on a boardwalk and even-later impromptu mcdonalds runs, i want to go ice skating and walk around the city and travel, and i want a boy who'll want the same things because i want it.

and i want a boy who's supportive. a boy who knows my anxiety chokes me more often than not, a boy who understands that a simple grocery trip is scary to me, one that'll spot my bad days and my bad mornings and pull me back into bed and say you're staying home today, you're upset and i'll deny it, but tears well up and it's a pattern, a little song that's been ringing in my ears since thirteen years old, but now i have someone to kiss the tears off my cheeks and to wipe the water with his thumb and say over and over again;

breathe.

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