thoughts ≠ sx

i want to write you a song

happy birthday to one of the boys that singlehandedly ruined my life from the moment i watched them sing viva la vida on xfactor in 2010. i'll forever be in your debt for the happiness you've brought me, harry styles.

[]

it's an interesting feeling, listening to your favorite song at 3am.

my favorite songs are often laced with emotion and are very rarely anything but ballads- fast songs are amazing, but i prefer slow. and that makes them extremely hard to listen to when i get into a mood i really wish i didn't, because it makes me feel like i'm drowning,

and
drowning
is
a
fear
of
mine.

and to everyone who thinks music can't have an impact on someone's life, or their happiness: you've never been so wrong.

because to some people, especially people who normally can do nothing but cry and stuff a pillow over their head and beg the weight on their lungs to go away, plugging in earbuds at 3am to flush out the sounds of thoughts and plans and dreams and the screaming in my head is my only savior.

and i'm lucky i choose five boys with velvet for voices and a talent for choosing and writing good songs.

music is actually scientifically proven to reduce anxiety and depression, and i think that is insanely important. the amount of times i've been in a social situation and wanted to die right there is uncountable. throw in my phone and eighty-eight songs on a long playlist i refer to as my breathing playlist, the situation becomes a whole lot easier.

my therapist has words for it, and a scientifically correct word according to actual reactions, but all i know is this:

i listen to music for an escape. it's the same reason i write, same reason i read. it makes me hopeful of something better- love songs make me hope that one day i'll have someone who makes my heart flutter uncontrollably, happy songs make me hopeful that one day i'll achieve a dream i never thought i could.

and i'm alright with relying on music.

it's steady.

i owe a lot to those five boys with stars in their eyes.

and i'm okay with that.

[]

dedicated to colleencosette

a weird self-indulgent story because its 8pm and i'm going to bed because of a pounding migraine and a general disdain for the world.

if i could fly,
-sx