thoughts ≠ sx

to whom i left behind

to adrienne, whom i forgot in the midst of a vicious pnemounia. i miss you sometimes, when darkness creeps behind my eyelids and i find myself wondering if you ever check your phone for texts from me.

to victoria, whom i do not regret saying goodbye to. in all the challenges and trials i fought through, your name is attributed to many conflicts and pains in my life. i hope you check your phone in the lapse of self-judgement and realize i am never coming back.

to jonathan, whom i miss wholeheartedly everyday. technically you left me, all curled up in a hospital bed, your golden locks shaved off. part of me wondered that in death, they would grow back and i would be able to run my fingers through them again in the cathartic mystery that is passing.

to leanne, whom i hated violently for making me grow up. i did not want your burden on my back. i did not want the responsibility of your child, of you. i did not want to deal with your husband banging on our window panes, drunk off his rocker.

to belle, whom i forgot when schools were changing and paperwork was flying and friends were only the ones close. you died a few days ago, a suicide. i wish you all the happiness in the world up there. i'm sorry it's so belated.

x

samantha.