thoughts ≠ sx

1.19.16 / 2:34am

"hi, it's been a while."

there's a mumbled um, hidden by a palm. the tension is thicker over the phone than in person, when we spoke today. today we were awkward, layers of walls up, unpenetrable, affected by our social situations and our own prides. here- we're a secret.

"...i know you're absolutely furious."

you're not wrong, but you aren't right either, which scares me. how long before i realize that you are only a mistake wrapped in good intentions?

"and you have the right to be."

that i do.

"...but...i wanted to say i'm sorry."

a frantic inhale on my side, crescents of shiny red appearing on my skin. i didn't expect you to say it so quick- stalling is a talent of yours.

"and i saw you yesterday..."

you could have apologized yesterday.

"and you looked beautiful."

thank you. i'm hesitant to believe you.

"and he was at your side-"

he was. i'd rather it be you.

"and your best friend..old, right?"

yes. old best friend. ex best friend.

"told me you were sad about us, still."

there was never any 'us'. there was you, too angry and too destructive and too mad. there was me, too quiet and too intelligent and too happy.

"and um..i want you to know that.."

there's a pause. you sound close to the phone, close to tears. far away from me.

"i miss you too."

i wonder if you're lying.

"and i know you don't miss me..."

you've never been so wrong.

"but i thought..closure would help."

this is closure? a stuffy sounding voicemail at 2am is closure? after what we were for two years, and you crushing my self esteem? how is this even bordering the topic of closure?

"and um..i love you a lot."

breathe.

"and i'd love it if you..forgave me."

pause.

"or at least..tried to."

i've been trying to.

"uh..one question, before i go."

i wonder if they'll be an answer.

"that band you loved..you know?"

i do know. i have eighty-seven of their songs: all of them.

"do you still like them?"

yeah.

"i just..i hope you're still..you."

i'm not the innocent girl you knew two years ago, my favorite food and color is different, my whole friend group had changed because of toxic relationships, i go to a therapist, lie about it.

"because i love you."

i love you too.

"talk to me tomorrow, alright?"

maybe, if my knees don't give out, or if i haven't scratched my skin to shreds around the pale fabric of my dress.

"bye."

goodbye.

[]

dedicated to zeeglur

if i could fly,
-sx