thoughts ≠ sx

letter to a heartbreaker

dear v,

i am fully aware that you will never see this, but writing this all down will expose it from the corners of my brain where it haunts me.

my fingers are shaking.

my hands are often shaking these days..i tremble when i get anxious, and i am almost always anxious. it describes me as a person- never steady.

i know it's been a while since we actually..talked.

we talked yesterday in science class, when you said my name with a soft voice and rested your chin on my elbow as if saying i know i did something, but please forgive me.

i was foolish to think that.

you brought him along to the movies.

i was excited for this particular movie, because your family was going with mine, and i thought it would be one on one, where i could finally hang out with you. my family was talking about going out to dinner with yours after the movie.

and then he showed up- in a stupid christmas sweater and his slicked back hair that really only looks greasy.

and my stomach twirled itself into knots.

he makes me nervous- you could never understand. he's mean. he makes fun of me. you laugh along with it. he makes fun of my friends, you join in.

you called me a crybaby.

and he laughed.

he makes me anxious, he makes me want to tear my skin off.

i fled the movie theater at the end of the movie, not listening to my dad's lectures on staying calm, not letting him ruin your night.

i cried in the car.

i miss you so much.

i miss our late night conversations, i miss our "spy-missions" to get lemonade and cold pizza at 2am, i miss us crying together about something i didn't understand at the time, but do now. i miss us chasing pigeons in bermuda, i miss us playing giant chess on a cruise ship, i miss us hanging in hotel rooms, i miss us watching sixteen candles with your mom, i miss your parents.

i miss my second home.

you're a disgusting shell.

ihateyousosomuch.

iloveyousosomuch.

imissyousosomuch.

give me my best friend back.

love,
s.

(p.s; don't talk to me on january fourth, when you see your christmas present from me and realize you didn't give me anything.)