Just Let Me Love You - (Narry)

Chapter 32 - Nepal

SONG MENTIONED IN THIS CHAPTER IS LINKED ON THE SIDE. PLEASE LISTEN TO IT, IT IS THE STORY'S OFFICIAL THEME SONG.

-Niall-

I slump against the wall, my pounding head and stinging eyes the only thing I feel. After 10 minutes of breathing in cleaning product infused air I decided it probably wasn't safe to remain in the supply closet, and I returned to my house - wagging school for the rest of the day.  

On the way up to my room I swiped a large tub of vanilla ice cream, and now I sit here venting my emotions through the form of eating. I spoon yet another heaping of the cold deliciousness into my mouth and heavily swallow, the sobs and the food moving down my oesophagus not passing each other without a fight. Eventually the heavy glob of ice cream slides down and I let out a cracked whimper. My hand glides across the upper lip, wiping away the product of my runny nose quickly. I wipe my hand onto the shirt I am wearing and sink even deeper into the covers, letting a few stray tears fall to the pillows instead of my cheeks. I shovel one more mouthful of ice tea, between my lips before letting the spoon fall into the tub with a dull thud.

With shaky hands I place it on the bedside table and lay back, retracting both my arms to my heaving chest. Sleep will help, I tell myself.

Sleep will fix everything. It will erase me temporarily from, this awful excuse of a world and just let me submerge into the darkness of silence.

My eyes flutter shut but my mind is wide awake, my thoughts running overlapping paths wildly beneath my blonde ruffles. I pull the covers right up to my chest and roll onto my side but the horrid reminders and memories have my heart aching, the brain in a state of overdrive.

Why am I never good enough?

Why does everything I do fall to the hands of failure?

Why am I not popular enough, albeit how hard I try to fit in?

Why can't Harry love me like I love him?

I want him to love me, but he can't find the courage to love me back 100%.

100% as in he isn't afraid of the world knowing about us.

I want the world to know. I want to scream it from the rooftops. But Harry restrains me, ties me down, muffles my cries for truth to be revealed. I thought I could make him a better person, pull him from the depths of self absorption and show him the beauty of not only himself  but others. To make him a man who is true to himself. A man who is true to his heart. True to his peers.

I wonder if he feels how I do, lost without a sign post to guide me. But I don't want Harry to find me in this thick haze, I want to find my own way out. Because I know that Harry will reel me back to him in the way that he does, with his wide smile and shimmering eyes and words of adoration. I don't want to hear his lies because I know I will trip and fall, believing him despite his mistakes.

That Cheshire boy will be the death of me.

My mind rolls over that quite literally for a second but I shove it behind me, I will not succumb to the clutches of suicide. Depression will not take a hold upon me, I will not allow it. I shall simply wallow, soaking in my sadness until the day comes that I will have been lying here so long I will forget. My mind will be void of anger or sadness because I will have simply forgotten everything, and hopefully I will forget how to feel in the process.

My heart will be impenetrable, my mind will be a heavily guarded prison with the highest of walls, my emotions will be nonexistent, I will be unstoppable, a hardened machine of a man. And I shall never love, for I now know that no two people ever love equally.