Counting On Forever

Chapter 28

~{Chapter 28}~

Happiness.

That word lingers in my mind. It lingers so much that I am thinking about it the next morning. Amy's happiness can be seen when she looks at her sweet little Asher, and I can really see why she named him Asher.

I dwell on thought of happiness while I drive to work and while I work in my office. Happiness has been a touch and go thing in my life. It never seems to stay too long. I always seem to have to go on a search for it.

My happiness first depended on stealing. Then, it depended on James and trying to get him to like me. When I was led to Christ, for the first time, I felt "true happiness." Then, it felt like it was taken away so suddenly when James died.

I had to walk through two years of ups and downs until I got to where I am today. I've realized that my true happiness that I've been searching for isn't what I got when I followed Christ; it was joy. Even now, I still have my days of missing James and wishing for something that can not ever happen, but I still have joy. Now that Matt is back in the picture, I still have joy despite questions.

When I had no contact with him, I felt a part of me slightly broken. I felt a part of me lose some of the cheerfulness I had worked so hard to get. I felt worried and upset. Some of my happiness had been taken away when he pushed me away. Instead of focusing on the happiness, I should have found joy.

I like Matt, but I know the joy that matters can not be found in him. My joy could not even be found in James. The only person who can bring me pure and true joy, a feeling that will last longer than happiness, is my Father, the King. He was the one who sent His Son to die for me.

Why has it taken me so long to realize this? I thought I was happy, and I was, but now, I feel joyful. and I feel like I have gotten some answers that I have been missing.

"Um, Kate?" a voice asks, interrupting me from my thoughts.

I snap into focus and see Beth in the doorway with a worried gaze. "Yes?"

"Are you alright? You've been in here almost the whole day without one break. I called your name like four times," she tells me worriedly.

I smile. "Just in deep thought about life and how good God is."

She smiles back. "He is good, isn't he?"

"Very. Now, was there anything you needed to tell me?" I ask.

"Just that Matt called me last night. He decided he didn't want me to be upset with him, so he called last night to convince me that he's changed and that he's going to stay changed," Beth explains with a smile.

I raise my eyebrow. "That's all you needed to tell me?"

She thinks for a moment. "Not exactly. Kate, he likes you. Like, a lot. I'm guessing you know that he likes you, but I want to know what you think about all this. You know I'm still wary about him, but I just want to hear about your feelings."

I sigh. "What time is it?"

She rolls her eyes. "After hours. You've been in a daze all day, and I want to know if Matt is behind all this."

"No. This has nothing to do with him. I was just thinking about God and my life for the past couple of years," I say.

She sits down across from me and gives me a comforting smile. "You've walked through a lot."

"Indeed. Still, God has done so many amazing things, and I feel myself just needing to praise Him so much. I'm only twenty-three, but it feels like I'm so much older because of how much more wisdom I have gained through this whole process. I'm happy, Beth, and it's an amazing feeling," I tell her.