Please, Find Me

Chapter 22

"Please Mika," Her breasts were swollen with milk and she was desperate for the pain to go away. "I don't know what else you want me to do." She had tried to feed him, changed him, rubbed a finger over the bridge of his nose, hugged him, cuddled him but still he carried on screaming as if something was wrong. "Please just drink."

She opened the buttons of her blouse once again, bringing the little infant to rest against her chest and prayed that he would latch on this time.

"Ouch!" She winced as his gums clamped down heavily on her already sore nipples causing tiny tears to prickle against the corners of her eyes. "Why didn't you just drink earlier?" She sighed as he suckled against her almost greedily, sucking in air heavily through his nose.

She looked down at his smooth round cheeks and his dark pink lips and tried... She tried so hard to feel it. To feel that love swell within her but she couldn't and as his little fist yanked at her hair, she felt the last vestiges of calmness slips away. Everything within her was hurting. Her breasts were sore, her stomach was still tender, her thighs were paining and her heart- her heart just felt so empty. All she wanted to do was just cry but she couldn't.

She couldn't because he was demanding her attention.

This little... child just wouldn't let go of her. He just wouldn't let her be. She just needed 5 minutes, just 5 minutes but he couldn't even give her that before he started crying again. Imtiyaaz was starting grade 1 and Ilhaam fought her daily to get dressed for pre-school and through it all this little thing wouldn't stop crying and yelling and screaming.

His round little mouth had left the safety of her chest before he started fussing once again.

"Stop Mika. Please stop!" she was almost begging him by the time she lifted him to her shoulder to burp him. She could feel it. She knew he was about to start crying. She could feel it in the pit of his stomach; he was rearing to cry and she didn't know how to stop it.

"Please just stop." She cried. Her eyes were blurry as she began to rock him back and forth. "Please stop crying. I'm trying so hard. Really I'm trying." He was wailing in her ears now and she couldn't get him to quieten down. "I'm trying to love you but I just can't. I'm sorry but I just can't love you."

...

"You need help Saadia" Taahira sighed, taking in her sister's state.

"What do you mean by help?"

"Look at you? When was the last time you washed your hair?"

"I can't. He keeps crying and Ilhaam and Imti are constantly asking for something or the other."

"Do you want me to stay with you? Just till he comes back?" Her sister was proud. She knew that she would have to be desperate to accept it but, for Mikaeel's sake, she had better.

"Just till he comes back." She buried her head in her hands, exhaustion taking over the better part of her sanity.

Oh God...

Mikaeel had just woken up and already he was screaming for her attention.

"Just take him." Saadia didn't even wait for Taahira to gather him up into her arms before she stood up and walked out the room. She needed a God damned shower and he wasn't going to take that away from her.

...

She heard him dump his bags onto the wooden floor of their bedroom before she looked up, praying it wasn't a dream.