SHE'S MINE → JASON MCCANN

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A/N: I know I'm late but Justin's Grammy performance was iconic. I was proud that he finally won a Grammy.  Where R Ü Now sounded really good live.

Thank you guys for over 2 million reads. I'm surprised you guys are not tired of my book yet. Thank you for reading. 💛

chapter sixty-eight |
J a s o n  p o v

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I hesitantly closed the front door after Matt and Gray left. I was contemplating whether on going with them. I knew that I couldn't face the girl that was in the living room.

How can I?

My mind couldn't possibly believe that she knew everything.

There's no way she knows. How did she find out? Did someone tell her? I didn't know who could've possibly tell her.

I was certain that none of the guys said anything—well that was what I assumed. I rested my head on the door, closing my eyes. I was hoping that I could just shut everything out. I was hoping everything could go away, all of my problems, my regrets, the past. But sadly, life is not that easy.

I walked into the living room, noticing that she was covering her face with her hands, while her elbows rested on her legs. I felt anguish knowing that there was a possibility she could be crying. I sighed gravely. I ran my fingers through my hair, kneeling down in front of her. "Y/n?" I whispered. I was scared to touch her. I didn't think she even wanted me near her. "Please talk to me." I begged, I lifted my hands up to touch her head softly. I sighed in relief once my fingers stroked her hair. She didn't flinch or let alone yell at me. "What do you want me to say?" She asked. Her voice sounded muffled under her hand.

"Anything." I let out. She removed her hands from her face, allowing me to see her solemn eyes. I placed my hand on her cheek, surprised to not notice any tears.

"Anything." She shrugged. She fiddled with her fingers nervously.

How am I supposed to justify what I did? I don't even know what to say to her.

"I-I was hurt—" I began but she stopped me, finally connecting her eyes with mine. "I don't care." She whispered.

What?

I watched her for a couple of moments, studying everything bit of her face. I wasn't quite sure what she meant.

"I don't understand." I stated while watching her attentively. I grabbed her hands, lacing our fingers together. "I do not care. I just—don't." She said again. Her hands pulled away from mine as she ran her fingers through her hair. My heart was beating rapidly. I was nervous, unsure about how she felt.

Does she mean she doesn't care about us anymore?

"I wasn't trying to kill you that night." I began, while I earned a scoff from her.

I wanted her to know that I wasn't in any way trying to physically hurt her the night of the accident. I didn't want her to actually believe that I'm that violent & impulsive to the point that I would possibly hurt her. I know I'm those things—but when it comes to her, I would never purposely harm her.

"Jason it doesn't matter." She said raising her voice slightly. I felt a sudden rush of anger, causing me to move away from her. I walked over by the window, trying to calm my nerves. I studied the busy streets of Manhattan, slowly trying to calm my nerves. "What does that mean! Why does what I have to say not matter? You don't give a fuck about what I have to say?" I yelled. She sat there not saying a single word.

"Answer my fucking question." I spat, hitting my hand against the wall. I felt a sudden jolt of pain rush through my hand. I bit on my lip, trying to calm myself down.

"Because you'll do it again!" She yelled, causing me to suddenly watch her. My eyes were etched in deep confusion.

She thinks that? I would never do what I did ever again. Would she even believe me if I told her that?

"Y/n, I wasn't trying to hurt you—I was angry—"

"You'll always be angry and you'll always be hurt! Then you'll do something reckless. Possibly run me over with a car, maybe even shoot Jax again because he's breathing & you think that him being alive would bring back old feelings or make me want to runaway be with him. I can make a list of all the things you'll do because you're hurt, angry, maybe even sad. So, like I said you'll do it again." She said. She thought that she had me all figured out. But she was wrong about one thing, I would never purposely hurt her. I shook my head vigorously as the words escaped her mouth. "That's not fully true." I said defensively. I slowly walked up to her.

She doesn't believe that I would never hurt her again.

"Just because you do things that hurt me, doesn't mean I'm going to stop loving you. That's impossible." She breathed. I swallowed down hard, listening to the heartfelt words that came out of her mouth.

I watched as she got up from couch, slowly walking up to me. "So...if you want me to possibly react to what you did that night, all I could say is I love you." She said. Her tired eyes looked into my mine. I was surprised that she wasn't screaming at me. I was surprised that she wasn't demanding to never see me again. Usually if I did something that made her angry she would run to Zayn, which was very unsettling.

This thought caused me to suddenly feel that there was a possibility Zayn was the one who told her everything. It made sense, He was the one that didn't want to keep a secret to this extent from her.

Some part of me wanted her to be angry with me. Some part of me wanted her yelling & screaming about how horrible of a human being I am.

She's basically implying that she doesn't expect anything better to come from me. So when I do things to hurt her she's used to it. Knowing that she feels this way hurts.

"You're justifying all the messed up shit I've done...why? Because I kill people, because I have anger, because I don't have feelings or remorse?" I questioned sarcastically. Her eyes furrowed in shock as she watched me. Everything I said was completely true.

"I'm letting it go. Ja—"

"No! I don't want you to let it go. I want you to be infuriated with me. I want you storm out the door, searching for Lotus to confide with. But knowing you, you'd probably go to Zayn. But me hurting you shouldn't be something you're use to or something you expect. I shouldn't do things like this to you. I shouldn't harm you, I don't want you to get use to the outcomes of what my anger & jealousy brings." I ranted. She stood there still, letting the noise of the wind, from outside, engulf the room.

I reached out for her arm gently, pulling her body closer to mine. "I want you to say you'll leave me if I ever hurt you again." I whispered. Her eyes widened as she leaned back, fully taking in my face. "Im not say—" She began but I interrupted her. "Just say it please. I want you to genuinely mean it." I said honestly.

I needed to hear her say those words. Maybe then I'd stop fucking up.

A/N: Thanks for reading. :)