SHE'S MINE → JASON MCCANN

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chapter sixty-nine |
Y o u r p o v

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I would've never left him. That was one thing I was incapable of doing. The words he said to me that unfaithful night, echoed  throughout my mind. Seeing his face & hearing his voice reminds me that he can't help who he is.

Who is he exactly?

A Twenty Two year old boy that is emotionally damaged. I knew this, I just thought my love was strong enough to—I don't know, heal him. I guess I didn't love him enough. I know I didn't love him enough. Our "relationship" consisted of me being afraid. I was afraid to fall in love with Jason & while I was pushing him away, I didn't stop to think of how I was treating him, how it affected him. Which in fact makes made me selfish. I'm guessing we all knew this.

I can't forget the look on his face. His chiseled jaw and solemn eyes etched into my mind. He looked fearful—sad even. I wonder if he knew in that moment he was going to leave me? I keep asking myself this question. As I think back to that moment, I wonder what he was thinking about. There was a mixture of emotions taking over his face.

When the words flowed out of his mouth, I was confused, sad, distraught. I didn't understand why he wanted me to flat out tell him that I would leave him if he hurt me again. I couldn't have left him even if I actually wanted to.

Could I ever leave him?

Do I have enough strength to? 

That night I kept asking myself this while I stared deeply into his eyes. Could I? I didn't think I did.

But he did. He had the strength.

He was able to just leave. He had the strength to just disappear. That morning everything was just gone. The smell of him, any traces of him—were gone. It was like he didn't even exist. Everything felt unreal, I remember being in denial.

I started stirring once I didn't feel the warmth of his arm wrapped around my waist. His side of the bed looked almost untouched. I got up, thinking that he was probably making breakfast—but the hotel room was completely silent.

Maybe he went out for a bit?

I wished that I could believe my own thoughts that morning.

His heart felt words suddenly replayed through my head, as I started to remember the fight we had the other night.

"I want you to say you'll leave me if I ever hurt you again."
Just say it please. I want you to genuinely mean it."

I ran my fingers through my hair nervously. I felt my vision fog up, as the tears threatened to fall from my eyes. From the corner of my eye I noticed an unfamiliar envelope resting on the bed side table. I furrowed my eyes deeply. I thought of possible outcomes of me opening the envelope. My hand hesitantly reached across to pick it up. I gently grabbed it, ripping it open. My mouth fell once I noticed the one hundred dollar bills placed inside. My eyes scanned over the thick wad of cash.

What does this mean?

Did he leave this here for me?