It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

Alice

Alice

-seventeen weeks pregnant-

He had stayed silent. I wanted him to say something, to make everything better, like usual. Yet, he just stared at me like I was someone he had never knew. That was what broke me and I knew I couldn't stay there anymore. I couldn't break his heart anymore.

We had fallen apart right there and I let it happen. I let him think everything different from the truth. And I could hardly speak or breath or do anything. Except when I saw the bus, half way down the street. This is was saving from this awful moment. I hopped on and never looked back. I had known it was over.

He's in my heart and will always be. I just couldn't hold him back anymore. I just couldn't be the reason he ruined his music career. I would live with that regret for the rest of my life, if I didn't let go.

The moment where I knew it was over for sure, the part where I could never look back. The point where I knew if I called him, he'd shove me off. The moment I received his first studio album. It had made me smile because he knew I always wanted the first copy. I had always got the first copies.

I saw that he had said goodbye on the envelope, but it could have been meant in a totally different way. So, I ran to my room, my mother looking at me like I was strange. I was elated it had came and somewhere in my heart I had thought there was going to be a letter.

There was no letter. Only the album noted to me. I remember looking at the track-listing and thinking I've heard bits of these songs. So, I put the CD in and listened to it and when it was over, I listened to it again.

It took me a few weeks just to listen to something else and even then, I felt terrible. I felt like I should be listening to him. It felt like those songs made me feel better somehow. Then when I decided to flip through the booklet at the front, I finally saw it. The thank you, circled in orange.

I broke that day, when I had read over it and over it and over it again. The first tear of many and I couldn't stop. He had wanted me to see this, that's why he circled it and somehow that hurts even more. He took the time to circle that because he wanted me to see it.

The songs are for me. All of these songs are written for and about me and that hurts. It seems like I've hurt him so many times and I don't think I could stand it. I can't live with this guilt forever.

***

I buttoned and unbuttoned and buttoned my jacket four times already and I just feel like I'm fat. The feeling I have now of morning sickness was creeping up in my throat. I had already puked twice this morning, at six AM, and can't do anything about it.

Last time; in my last pregnancy, I really was never sick. I never had morning sickness. Yet, I know if Ed was here, he'd help me.

"I can't go to school today, mum!" I yell to her. She was downstairs making me breakfast and the smell was making my stomach irritable. I placed my hand over my mouth, feeling like I was going to be sick again.

I heard her coming up the stairs. I tried to look more ill than I was. It didn't work. In fact, my mother just wore a scowl upon her face. She kept shaking her head, picking my books up from the floor and placing them in my hands.

"I did not pay for classes at the university for you not to go." she scolds.

I roll my eyes, "Mother, I really don't feel good. It's one day. I can miss school one day."

"No, you have to go," she tells me, "you have to Alice."

"I am an adult now, mum. I can stay home if-" I stop talking and try to swallow. I end up dropping my books onto the floor and dashing for the bathroom.