It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

Perhaps Fuck Off Might Be Too Kind

Alice

"No." I state. 

I was in this dream by then. Already, my eyes burning from the tears forming at the corners of my eyes and the lack of sleep I've had in the last day or two. The air condensed and the rain mixed with humid made sweat pour off me. 

I jumped off the rug and forced myself to the other side of the room. I pushed the window open and let the air pull me in. My eyes stuck on the tree in the front yard. The same tree Ed climbed to try and break through my window years ago. 

I was gone. Was this some devious plan Ed and Conner set up? They wanted to catch me in the act of cheating again. Of course Ed didn't trust me. Why would he? I made him suspect I cheated on him and was expecting another man's baby. 

That whole thing is all fucked up. Why in the world would I make up some ridiculous plan? To stop yourself from ruining Ed's career, I thought. Now, I don't give a shit whether or not I would've crashed his career. He would want to be here for his baby ... his whole singing thing lined up wouldn't seem to matter if he cared as much as he said. 

I'm an awful person. Keeping Ed away from his baby? Let's say twenty years from now, when the child wants to find his real father ... Ed would flip his shit. 

I could also be classified as a royal bitch. That's what I am. I lead this life that I think is so wonderful, that I'm so perfect, but all that I really am doing is being an ignorant bitch. I only think of myself. 

I rest my palm on my stomach, turning my head to connect my eyes with Conner. He held the glass of wine in his hand. His legs crossed on the rug, smug grin, eyes red. I shook my head slowly, "No. You're not." 

"Ignorance is bliss, Alice." he simply mumbles. The drink from hours ago mixed with the few sips of wine was finally hitting him. "You can't hide your love from me. I can see right through you. You're transparent, you know." 

"I am?" 

"You are." he pauses, takes another sip, and judges what he's about to say. "Your eyes give you away. Even when we went to UNI together, I could see the passion for me." 

I snort a laugh, covering my mouth with my spare hand. "The passion?" 

He nods, "You love me. Just admit it." Conner pushes himself from the ground and saunters to where I stood by the window. His arm wrapping around my waist. "You have this eagerness about you." 

"Stop." I press my hand against his chest. "I have Ed." 

Conner laughs bitterly and lets go, "The guy you constantly break up with?" 

"Stop!" I yell. "Just stop, Conner!" 

"What?! You don't wanna' here the truth?!" he shouts back. "You just have shame in admiting that you loathe him! You don't love him, Alice! You never did!" 

I was shocked. Since I was in school, I'd never spoken about this much shit with Conner ever. Ever! It was always playful chatting. Who'd think he'd confess his love, then scream that I never loved my long term boyfriend. 

My mouth goes dry and my tongue is twisted. What do you say back to that? Honestly, I thought if I said anything, he'd just bash my face in. That's how angry he appeared. 

The night gown I wore suddenly became uncomfortable. I grew agitated as the moment between us grew silent. I swallowed hard before saying, "How the fuck do you know if I love Ed or not?" 

"I can tell." he whispered. 

"No, you can't tell. You want to believe that nothing ever happened between Ed and I ... That I never loved him." I sighed. "I love him and I always have. He's the only man I've ever  loved."