It's Never Just Goodbye // Ed Sheeran

If I'm Louder, Would You See Me?

Alice

 Is it bitterness or sympathy, that keeps you standin’ here with me? I’m not sure how much more I can take. ‘Cause I have sacrificed my peace of mind, to sit here with you wastin’ time, and now I think I’d like to walk away - Ron Pope

Everything seemed so bizarre. Only minutes before I was contemplating on my next move. One minute I was throwing everything I had brought to the hotel into my bag, ready to head home. The next; my suit case and all the clothes that were packed neatly were askew all over the floor, and Ed and I were in the bed together. 

 "Oscar?' I remembered saying only an hour or so before, "What are you feeling towards me?" 

It felt like he liked me a lot, I could tell. The constant phone calls and cups of coffee, the trip, the ring. His tender laugh that showed he actually thought I was funny. Looking past that, though, it's all blurry. 

"I love you, Alice Marie." Oscar said, his voice quiet, but bold.

My hand gently pressed against his chest, lifting it further away from mine. His own hands still propping himself above me. I had felt like I was suffocating, but tried to ignore it. Taking in deep breaths. 

I said, "Don't say you love if it's not true." 

"It is true." 

I repeated what I had said before, rephrasing it, "Don't say you love me even if it's true." 

"Why?" his voice was still slow, never shaking, the way Ed's always was when we spoke of love. Personally, I hated myself for doing this to him. Yet, I couldn't just keep stringing me along. 

"You loved Meredith!" I cried out. 

Oscar sighed and rolled off of me. His hands were across his eyes as he rubbed his eyelids. See, I made him like this. I make everyone so senial and insane that they act this way. To the point where they get tired of it after awhile. He whispered, "I'd love to say that I don't." 

"Why?" I asked. "I can easily say I love Ed and I have no regrets over it." 

"That's the thing, Alice. You don't love me, you love Ed." 

I nodded, "Yeah I do." I wasn't going to lie. He knew this. Oscar knew it since we first talked. 

"I love you and it's difficult." 

"How so?" 

I know how so. I'm the type of girl everyone once, not in a concieted way. I'm not being smug. It just happens that way. With my blond hair, wide smile, and smoldering green eyes, guys are like magnets for me. I instantly attract them, but as soon as I give them the slightest try...their hopes for me are crushed. Ed, so far, stayed the longest. 

Oscar took in a deep breath and placed him hand in mine. His head turned to face mine and his eyes seeked mine. He said, "I could ask you a million questions and not know a single thing about you." 

I gave a small chuckle. I've told Oscar almost everything. He was someone I could confide in. Someone I could possibly love all my life if I was completely over Ed, but we both know that will probably never happen. At least, it would take too long. 

"You're unreadable, Alice. I never know what you're thinking. You could lie to me easily and make it seem so real. Talk to me. Tell me how you feel." he begged. 

Ed. The guy who was in this building right now, up stairs or even down the long hallway from where my own room stood. My mind was racing and my heart seemed to beat so loud that in sounded like a drum in my ears. My palms turned sweaty. Ed. The guy I was in love with. The guy I am in love with.