Letters to Ghosts of the Past

Gone Too Soon

To a little girl who was lost too soon,

Things have changed since you left.

You never got to see how the things you feared most turned out to be the least of your worries. You were never able to become the person you wanted to be, do what you thought you wanted to do.

I want you to know that the people you think are the most important aren't worth fighting for. You feel like if you lose them, you'll have nothing. I'm here to tell you that if given the chance, they wouldn't even think twice before turning on you. They don't, when they are. They won't be there for you when you need them. Please don't feel obliged to be there for them.

You also need to stop being so hard on yourself. Stop listening to what other people say, stop trying to change yourself because people don't like who you are. Stop trying to conform and be who you aren't.

That being said, mellow out a bit. You put on a show because you constantly feel ignored and forgotten. You want attention, but that attention you seek isn't going to help you. You never do end up being able to right the wrongs you made because of you desire for false love. That still haunts me.

You need to know that the people who truly love you are right in front of you and unless you take the chance to connect with them now, you'll regret it far more than you want to believe.

I know you feel lost. You're constantly told how immature you are. Later, you'll learn this is because you're actually ahead of everyone else. In two years from now, when the people who told you that you're acting like a child are doing what you do now, you'll realize two things. One, you shouldn't have listened to them, you should have never taken their words to heart. And two, maybe you need to stop trying to please everyone. Don't do things because that what is expected, do them because that's what you want.

Right now, all you want is to grow up, to be someone who is anyone but who you are now. Stop. Stop trying to grow up, stop hating yourself. Nothing is worth tearing yourself up over, and nothing is worth trying to escape being happy for.

Finally, understand that you need to start to appreciate yourself. Stop hating yourself. You feel lost and sad and scared and it's because you blame everything on yourself. That isn't good for you and you left with a hatred for the world, leaving behind me, who had to clean that mess up. Please stop beating yourself up over every little thing you do wrong.

Please know that there are people who love you and want the best for you. Understand that in order to be happy you must embrace that. Stop hating everyone around you.

You're scared, and lonely, and a little bit reckless, but that's what makes you who you are.

You're tough, and smart and insanely perceptive. Use that to your advantage.

I miss you sometimes, because there are things that you could do that I never could, things you would have hated that I do now.

But do you see me? Can you hear me? I'm the shell of who you wanted to become. I'm not the person you wished to be, I'm who you became because of all I've just said. I know you would probably hate me now, but I'm proud of me.

I'm not who you wanted to be, but I'm who I wanted to be. In your wake, you left behind a broken soul who wanted nothing more than to be accepted, but realized that wasn't the way to go.

You would hate who I've become, but that's okay.

I'm not quite sure when I lost you, when you escaped. I'm not too sure it matters anymore.

You're alone, and stubborn, and far too impulsive. You don't know when to stop, or how to make friends, or why everyone thinks you're so immature (and they have good reason to), but I've lived every second of it, and I know what you're going through.

You're me, five years ago, and this is my letter to you.