Letters to Ghosts of the Past

One Year

To the one who I can finally allow myself to forget about,

Looking back to a year ago, it's almost comical how much has changed.

We were told before we left that dump called elementary school that nothing that mattered then would matter in three years. We chose not to believe them not just because we didn't want to, but also because we thought we knew who we were. We thought we had everything figured out.

We had an unrealistic point of view on the world that just a year later seems worlds away.

As complicated as things seemed then, as much as we swore we'd never miss that place no matter how many times people said we  would, here we are now, wishing we could go back.

Back to a time when we knew who we wanted to be, and we knew who our friends were, and we thought we knew who they always would be.

Now, because of betrayals, and heartbreaks, and everything in between, we find ourselves not trusting even those we know we can trust most.

I guess we grew up.

But when we look back, it's hard to tell when the bright future we had planned out turned into a battlefield, a struggle to make it to the first step of that dream. One that inevitably resulted is us losing each other.

A year ago, we were excited, happy... We had each other. Now, just 365 days later, you're a faint memory. One that left a nasty scar, but a memory nonetheless.

And we realize how little everything matters. Because what mattered most so little time ago, means nothing to us now.

Going forward that helps us put things into perspective, but it also stops us from being able to fully trust that what we value will still be here a year from now.

In 365 days will I be in the same place I am now, with the same people, the same smile on my face, or will everything I believe in now be gone, just like you?

Although in this moment I can't ever see that happening, then again, I could never have imagined losing you.

I remember being so scared when I begun to see you slipping away. I remember thinking I would never find what we had again, but here I am now, and I know that what I thought we had never actually existed. Here I am now, and I've actually found it, just not with you.

And it's easy to say that people come in and out of you life, but it's harder to see it happen. It's harder to actually live it. Especially for the first time, and especially when you're terrified you'll never be able to have someone like that again.

It's easy to say you were my best friend, but it's harder to say that I didn't know what a friend was when I was with you.

It easy to say it was neither of our faults, but it's harder to say that I blamed myself for months, thinking it was mine, but now I know I'm the one who held on, and you let go.

It's just hard to admit that I felt like I could never be mad at you, even when you gave me every reason to be. Because I adored you.

So think back to those times when you promised me nothing would change, when you looked me in the eye, told me not to worry, and said that we'd always have each other. Think back and tell me it doesn't feel like another life.

I wanted nothing more than to have you back.

For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. I lived with that guilt for months, until someone finally came along, picked up the pieces, and made me feel like I had people who cared.

What was dark became light, what was guilt became pride.

That's when I stopped thinking about you. That's when I stopped wishing you'd send me a text, or say hi to me for the first time in six months.

They say you don't know what you had until you lose it. It's true. I didn't know what I had wasn't worth the hell I went though until you walked away as if you didn't even care.

I didn't know there were people out there that would be there for me no matter what, until I lost you.

I didn't know that life is too short to live with unrequited guilt until someone showed me you aren't worth it.

I didn't know how much can change in a year until now.