Letters to Ghosts of the Past

Gone too Soon: a Continuation

To someone I don't recognize anymore,

Things are changing pretty quickly for you right now. You're beginning what can only be described as a new chapter in your life.

And I know you hate the term so much. You claim it's because you're not afraid to start high school, and you want to get away from the toxicity of before, but I know that you're terrified. You're terrified you'll lose everyone you've built trust in, you'll be alone again, and this time you won't be able to fix that.

In a way, you're right. You do lose your best friend, she kind of just leaves. You don't even notice at first, but suddenly it's been a week, and you're so busy, and so terrified because you haven't spoken in days. She doesn't talk to you, she has new friends, and that scares you because you're too shy to talk to any new people, and you feel like a failure. You feel like everything you had with someone you thought was your best friend has faded before you could even see it coming. What's worse is right now, you're the only one who actually sees what's going on. The others just think she's meeting new people. They say she'll come back to you all. You know she won't, but they don't believe you and you feel crazy. You think it's your fault when she never does.

You'll spend the next six months blaming yourself for that. Take it from me, stop. The person you knew isn't the person she is anymore. You like to think people never truly change, but they do. She did. Give up on the self-loathing, and trying to make her feel bad by throwing shade on snapchat. She isn't worth it anymore. It will take some time, but you'll figure it out. And in the wake of your sadness of losing her, you'll meet new people who mean more to you than she ever could. You already have, but it'll take a while to figure out who they are.

The only new person you've managed to make friends with so far is the cute boy in the back of French class.

Give up.

It may not seem like it right now, but what everyone says about him is one hundred percent true. You're young and stupid. He does care for you, but he isn't worth the near-breakdown you have when your friends screw it up for you.

You two have something special, everyone can see it, but don't try to be anything more than friends. It just won't happen, no matter how much you want it to.

And I get why you become so attached. No guy has ever treated you like he did before. He isn't an asshole to you, he openly shows affection, and your heart melts. You'll remember him for a while. He shows you that not every boy is going to be like the asshats in elementary school, but he also shows you that you open up too easily.

After everything blows over, you'll say that you hate him, and try to avoid him, but you know that isn't true. You can't make yourself hate him, and the only reason you avoid him is because seeing him makes you remember what could have been.

Your fear of losing people dwindles at some point, and you begin to see the truth in why you trust very few people. It all goes back to the person who has been a huge source of stress and anger for years. They've made you feel inferior, closed off, and worthless, and something in you finally snaps. You realize you've had enough, but don't know how to get rid of someone who has been in your life for almost ten years.

It's scary right now, but you'll figure it out, I promise. And once you do, you'll be so much happier, because their negativity is finally gone from your life.

Though the toxicity this person brought is gone, the scars remain. You have trouble trusting people now, because as far as you know, any secret will become gossip. The trust issues and self esteem problems they brought on you won't go away any time soon.

This brings you to a point where you have three close friends. You're pretty terrified of losing them. Cherish the time you have, because soon, one of them just walks away from you without a second thought. She'll just fall away, like your former best friend did.

You won't get answers.

You'll hate yourself again.

This is the worst part of the year. You have two trusted friends now, you hate yourself, and you can see one of them slipping away already. You can barely make yourself get out of bed in the mornings.

But you'll get over it, because this is where the new people finally come in.

You're not too sure when it happens, or even how. Later, you'll wonder why it didn't happen sooner.

It begins with you finally getting up the courage to interact with people in class, and suddenly, you've met two of your new best friends. These people mean more to you than anyone you've lost ever did. They fit right in with you and you group of friends that had begun to fall apart. They bring you all closer together, and now you aren't alone.

They understand you better than even those who have known you the longest can. You know you can tell them everything, you know they'll never let you down. You're happy and feel secure in a friendship for the first time in almost a year. You begin to forget about those who left you.

You begin to write again, a hobby you stopped during the time you felt worthless. This helps you a lot, because it allows you to reflect, and get your feelings out somehow. You've never trusted anyone you know in real life enough to show them the things you write. Only people online that you've never met are trusted with that. But that begins to change too. You show your feelings to these people, and they encourage you, and you feel better about your writing, something that has always meant so much to you.

In the midst of all this, tension between you and someone who's friendship you've cherished for so long is eased. You worried about losing them too, and it was probably because with everything falling apart, you were both waiting for the other to leave, but neither of you did, and now you're closer than you've ever been. The doubt is gone.

You rekindle friendships with old friends from years ago, and realize that some people are meant to be in your life, even if they fell out of it for a bit. You finally accept that others aren't. You'll always miss those you lost, but you discover you're happier without them.

This pretty much leaves me at now. You have your struggles. You're pretty stressed about everything right now, to be honest. You're close to losing it again. But you hide it, no one knows yet.

This happened last year too, and you were so close to being pushed over the edge and having a complete breakdown.

However, the one thing that you didn't have back then, that you do now is support. You have people you know you can trust, who will lead you in the right direction, who care. You didn't have that this time last year. That's what has changed the most.

You're still too scared to tell anyone though. I don't think you will. I think you're going to handle it yourself once again, even though you shouldn't have to. It's how you've always worked. You're tough, and too stubborn to let anyone help you.

You like to believe that people don't change, but I'm on the other side of this hell, and I know they do. I look at you, such a short time ago, really, and I see very little of myself in you.

I can't really describe it, but everything seems so much lighter now than it did just eight months ago. When I look at you, I see a lost girl, so scared of losing people that she doesn't realize that's exactly what she needs.

If I could go back in time to offer you any advice, it would be to talk to the person who sits in front of you in French class, she'll be you best friend pretty soon. I'd tell you to stop pitying the old friend that offers you nothing but anger, you'll be so much better off when you let her go. I would say enjoy the last little bit of time you have with the friends you are about to lose, and the one you've made, that becomes a reminder of why you shouldn't get your friends involved in your love life.

Most of all, I'd tell you to brace yourself, because hell is right around the corner, and I'm not quite out of the fire yet, but I'm pretty damn close, and don't plan on letting go anytime soon.

Sincerely,

You, but better