Letters to Ghosts of the Past

Summer

To A,

Summer has always been a time of conflict for me.
More so since meeting you.

Because no matter how much time passes, no matter how much I drift from the person I was back then, no matter how hard I try to forget you ever existed in my life, something will always pull me back in. Summer will always be connected to you.

It's strange to think that there was a time in my life, however brief, that this darkness wasn't a constant presence.

It's a true testament to how much I loved you that I may always associate the darkness with you. I've lost others since I lost you- others that had been in my life far longer than you ever were- but somehow their absence is so much less impactful than yours.

This isn't to say that I haven't made progress.

God, I've made so much. Sometimes I'll hear a song and be reminded of the absolute misery that encompassed me this time two years ago. Or I'll take a deep breath in the sun and remember how this weather became a healing crutch for me this time last year. And how now, it is only in my moments of weakness that I even remember you're real.

But time is a funny thing, and no matter how much of it passes, the scars never disappear, they just fade.

For the first time I let myself be mad at you. Because while I've never tried to pretend this wasn't your fault, I held you so high on a pedestal that I refused to admit that a large part of what I was feeling was rage.

I let go of you a while ago. But just recently have I let go of the remaining anger that I carried with me for so long.

For months- a solid year- I was depressed. I can recognize this now. And I'm not sure when it went away, not sure that it ever will completely. But it sure as hell has begun to fade.

And I'm at a point in my life now where the future matters so much more than the present. It has just begun to hit me that I never actually have to see you ever again.

High school is finally over, and with that comes the much-needed reset that I have been craving since the day I returned from those fateful ten days that broke us.

I could remove you from all my social media, delete those final remaining pictures that I've held onto, completely remove you from my life once and for all, without consequence or guilt, or any baggage. Out of sight, out of mind, right? I've done this with other relationships and damn if it doesn't work. So why can't I do it with you?

I think a part of me will always be holding onto the feeling that you elicited at 15. The love you showed me, that I haven't felt since. The bond we once had that I still see the spark of whenever we are forced into slightly-less-awkward-than-before conversations.

Those around me are beginning to mend the bridges I burnt. And that terrifies me- losing the one person who supported me in my decision to finally, completely, cut you off- but I know what is best for me, and I know that you are not -and maybe never have been- it.

But even now, I still know that it's just summer talking. I can go weeks upon weeks without thinking of you during the winter, but as soon as summer comes around, I begin remembering the one we spent together.

The summer of 2016 was a dream built upon a bond that felt immortal, a flame that would never burn out. But I did, and I finally have to just accept that.

And I have. Which scares me.

So when summer comes around, and I'm alone with my thoughts, you consume them sometimes.

But this summer will be different. This summer I will create new memories, new dreams, erasing the ones we made.

Because if that's what it takes, then so be it.

A total reset requires me to let go wholeheartedly.

So maybe I won't unfollow you just yet. Maybe I'll start slow. Get rid of those pictures, delete those songs.

We all start somewhere, and for me, it's about where we end.

Two summers ago we ended, but this summer, the impact of you does too.
*******

If anyone is curious about the story of A and I, about 95% of the chapters here are about her. It's weird to read the older ones, the ones from when we were friends, when I was happy with her. From the summer of 2016. And then year by year as we fell apart. And I'm sure you can figure out why it ended (see Him) but I finally feel like maybe I've said my peace on the topic. I hope so. I know she'll never see these, thank god, but if she ever does, I'm sorry it took me so long to let you go. And if there was ever anything you supported me in, it was my writing. So I know you'll understand.

The end of an era.

~ Emily.