Zahabia's World of Thoughts *Islamic Story*

March 4, 2016

Dear Journal, 

                          My life is like a puzzle. So many different edges and shapes. There's always going to be a time where a piece you have just won't fit. Sooner or later, you figure it out. I did do that, but it was only a part. My life's puzzle is ginormous. There's no way in the world to see the entire picture. For fourteen year I've search and looked and fit together the pieces. I don't think that I'm even half finished. 

                         I used to love solving the puzzle. I used to just brush it off whenever I made a mistake. Now, it's not fun anymore. I hate it whenever I can't find the right piece. Each one time it feel worse. Like everything I'm doing is wrong. I second guess my sometimes confident aura. Every time I joke around and call myself amazing, I can't help but think I might be lying. 

                        I know what I want to be in the future. I want to me a strong confident woman who can get married and take care of her family. I want to be the muslimah that is known as a Sign Language Interpreter. But I'm lost, confusion and doubt conflict with what I know is right and wrong. I can't see between now and then. What's going on with me?

                       Me and Aabidah keep getting in these stupid arguments about nothing. I thought we were best friends. I know that friends fight sometimes, can't be friends without disagreeing once in a while. But this is a daily occurrence, every day about something different. I feel like shouting at her in every insult I can possibly think of. Me being me, that happens to be a lot. I hold my tongue for the most part, but it's getting hard. Why do I get so angry with her and want to hurt her feelings. I feel so frustrated!

                         I have all of these overdue lessons. My mom is getting tired of it. I have to complete 6 lessons a day, but for some reason only complete two or three. Whenever it comes to school I'm so immature, and I hate it. I go into my mom's room smiling, telling her that I did a math lesson. She smiling and told me she was proud or me and that I did a good job. I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but math is difficult for me. 

                          Today she got upset because I was taking forever to submit assignments and to generally get ready for the day. She told me a needed to get things straight and figure out what to do. I always remain blank faced when this happens. It's my way of dealing with it I guess. I almost lost my composure today, she hurt me. She told me that she honestly didn't give a crap if I did one math lesson for the day. It was like she was basically saying that I should stop telling her about it cause she didn't care. Not even when she acted like she did. 

                        It hurt that she was right. It hurt that every last thing she told me was simply the truth. My life's not perfect, and it more than likely never will be. I always act so passive, like I don't care. No one realizes how much I cry, and I won't let them, I can't. My thoughts, my feelings, I keep them all hidden inside. Writing them down in a journal no one reads. I suppose that's why half my entries sound so depressed. I write whenever my feelings have been locked up for too long. 

                      Well, I need to go get school knocked out. More than a pathetic three lessons. Insha Allah I will get more done. And Insha Allah I can find the rest of the pieces of the puzzle and fit them together. I hope with all my heart that I will never truly give up. 

- Zahabia