Dear Journal,
I've done something, and I'm not sure how to feel about it. Basically, I got in huge trouble. I got grounded and missed my sunset canoeing trip. And did nothing but school on the computer for a week. But the moment my mom sent me to my room, I sobbed. I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life.
I wasn't sad, I wasn't hurt. I was angry, so angry with myself. At that moment I felt that even taking away the girl scout trip I'd wanted for more then two months wasn't enough. I thought I deserved something more permanent. As much as I hate to admit it, a scar.
I dug my nails into my right arm. Hard enough to take off a small piece of skin, but not enough to raw blood. I would never draw blood purposefully. The problem was, it didn't help like I wanted it to. So I did it again. The slight pain I felt eased my anger. My high pain tolerance combined with my anger allowed me to dig my nails into my arm below by elbow in multiple places.
After a while I fell asleep. When I woke up to pray, I had to make wudu (ablution). The burning I felt on my right arms as the water washed over it was satisfying. I prayed to Allah, repenting for putting my sister in danger, and disobeying my mother. After I a prayer longer than my normal length, I went back to sleep.
The next morning, scabs covered the bottom length of my arm. I tried my best to keep it hidden from my family. Everyone except for Aabidah of course. I tell her things and she simply listens. Afterwards she gives me a few words of encouragement and then we both pretend the conversation never happened. I have to admit, I've never told her some of the things I tell you. Like the reason behind why I scratched my arm. Every time I look at my arm, I'm reminded of what could happen.
Do I regret that scars are now visible on my arm? Yes, that I do. Do I regret doing it? The honest answer to that would be no. I've tried, but I just can't. I feel no need to go back and not scratch my skin if I could. Maybe I should regret making scares on my body, but I don't. Insha Allah, Allah will give me a future that enables me to have more knowledge and control.
~ Zahabia
A/N: Intense chapter is it not? What do you guys think about Zahabia?
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Zahabia's World of Thoughts *Islamic Story*
Non-Fiction< Cover by @GraphicLights > Zahabia is a creative 13 year old Muslim living in the United States. Hardships will come and lessons will be learned. Join her as she grows up and becomes part of the world. *Salams! Author Ezmar here. I just want...
