It's late and I'm bored.

Just a few thoughts before bed.

I'm not going to be up for much longer and I have to work all day tomorrow so before I fall asleep I would like to inform you of a few things.

I understand low self esteem. I think everyone does really, but I don't like the way I look 80% of the time. I'll outright lie to people when I say I love the way I look because I know if I say I hate my thighs or my flat chest they'll just pity me and say that I'm still beautiful and that they really don't matter. Um, bullshit? They obviously matter to me and you just brushed it off with the exact same thing everyone else says to me.

I'm one of those people who won't learn something unless it's drilled into my brain repeatedly and constantly. Which is why I'm so bad at math because teachers have a stupid habit of teaching something for a day then moving on. I know my mom loves me because she's been telling and showing me for 16 years. Same with the rest of my family. Not so much with everything else. I can read music because I've been doing for years. I know Allison is a real, true friend because no mtter how long it's been, she will always reply to me and tell me she misses me. I'm a slow learner but I never forget something once I do learn it.

I think about weird ways to die frequently. Most of the time it's in the car and I imagine something scares Kiara and she over-corrects, throwing us into a barrier or another car swerves and hits us and we die. Then I start wondering about the reactions people would have to my death. Who would cry, who wouldn't, who would go to my funeral, what would they say? Such morbid thoughts.

I overlap the real world with my imagination. Meaning if I'm in class I'll think about a dream I had and suddenly my classroom has a grass floor and the walls are made of wood with mushrooms growing out of the cracks. My teacher would be fighting off a gremlin attack and my classmates would be sleeping from fairie dust or witch's brew. I'll have an imaginary conversation with my friends or I'll have an imaginary fight with a tv character. I've had a million and one conversations with Charlie in my head. Silly, stupid, wishful, passionate, incredible, romantic, obnoxious conversations that have ended with me smiling or frustrated or glaring at walls, etc. Most leave me content but I doubt more than a few are actually realistic conversations. 😌

I'm restless and sometimes I'll be in my room wishing I could live in a movie and someone would kidnap me and make my boring and routine life into an adventure. I want sword fights and magic keys and enchanting balls, a romance to rival every Nicholas Sparks novel ever.

I'm in love with the idea of love. I dream of a future filled with content sighs and surprised laughs and wide-eyed gasps. I want one husband and a beautiful family. I want to wake up and feel someone else's heartbeat against my cheek, reminding me that I am worth the words "I do" and "til death do us part". I pray that he is my best friend before he is my boyfriend and I pray that he remains my best friend long after he is my husband. I want moments where I'm thinking about everyone I miss and before the first tear can fall, I'm wrapped in an embrace that reminds me to love who I have in this moment while I have them.

I love listening to people talk because there's something about the voices of others directed towards me that makes me feel like I matter. If I can't do anything else in multiple ice, I can listen to what this person has to talk about and not pass judgement or need to offer advice, I can just hear them and let them know that someone sees them and their existence has been acknowledged by another soul.

My heart aches for everyone I've lost. Every friend I made that I moved away from. Every death that took a smiling face from my world. Every love that I've been too scared to lose and burned before it could grow in me and hurt even more.

I am excited to find my husband someday and love him like no one else ever could. I will treat him like a king and support him in his decisions. I won't disrespect him or be unkind when I speak to him. If I'm angry I will tell him as much and walk away until I can think clearly again and help him understand why. He will come before my kids and there will be no question of divorce or separation because he will be my other half and how can I live without half of myself?

I dream too often of impossible, fanciful things. I'm too imaginative for my own good.... I dare to try and control my life but ultimately it's God who holds all of the cards and He's just waiting for me to let Him deal. I don't know who I will marry or what my profession will be but I know it's going make me happy if I keep Him first.

Goodnight my chickies, I do love you all dearly and wish you a pleasant night ☺️😘

With much love,
Momma Duck

Aka 👓👸🏼

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