Its 2020, August actually.
I was looking back through my stories and the chapters of this book and found that I was a very naive and incredibly different person when I started on Wattpad.
Im not surprised by this per se but Im not pleased by it all either.
My imaginations about what I wanted in a man were too constrictive and as it turns out is very little like the man I am going to marry.
He encourages me to take long showers and baths, yes he is tall and no he doesnt pick me up often but when he does I ENJOY it. He makes me feel safe and secure and loved.
No, he doesnt drink and no theres no recreational drugs. In all fairness actually I've smoked weed more between the two of us and would do it again. Its such a relief to feel all my daily pains melt away. As it turns out I am in a lot of pain on a regular basis! :D
Not so awesome in reality that that is the case but its good to be aware of so I can consciously make an effort to help my body not injure itself.
Im not great at helping myself though honestly, that hasnt changed much and Ive also realized that the problem wasnt OTHER people not telling me no it was ME not telling me NO.
Of course someone else isnt going to say no to help or someone offering time and assistance for no cost to themselves. OF COURSE the real issue is me constantly saying no to what I wanted and giving myself the least priority. Thats really how I ended up being in the state I am in now. I always put others before me way past a healthy point. I am the last to eat, sleep, wash up, take a break, etc. Now thats not to say its always like that now that I have Bear, he is aware of my issue and tries to help me remember that Im important too, Im just slightly uncooperative... VERY uncooperative.
Ok I've written enough for today to satisfy my own needs, I know that this is realy unlikely to have anyone read it because I dont post often and I'm obscure as fuck and I dont have the cae to put in all the apostrophes and maybe I use too many commas. That is okay for this week though, I'm literally on the rag and my head hurts every other hour. In all fairness, because of my birth control I dont get my period for between 5-8 months and then I'll either have spotting for a week or two or gushing blood like Carrie for 3weeks. Either way it's Hell for Bear AND me.
My legs are going numb now and my kitchen is a mess.
If you do read this and youve gotten this far thank you. You dont need to do the star thingy or comment, seeing someone read it is enough for me. If you have anything youd like to share or that youd like to ask then by all means I'll answer those and respond accordingly.
I posted another short poem in my Walking on Glass book, a euphemism (metaphor? idk) for my obsession with one man and recovery with another. I dont hate him, I just never got closure and it hurts. Still causes some shitty feelings of inadequacy sometimes but nothing easy is ever worth it and I am hoping this hard process of learning my own self worth and that THAT is enough will be worth it in the end. I want to love myself again, if I ever did.
Okay, for the reals now. I'm out.
Love you chickies,
~ Mouse
YOU ARE READING
It's late and I'm bored.
HumorIt's basically a mess of thoughts, opinions, and things that I want to say out loud but don't so people don't put me in the loony bin or hit me. Enjoy :3
