Cowgirls Don't Cry

Luke Who?

I rolled over in my bed and my hand landed on something hard, or a person. Even though I recognize the face, he's a stranger to me. Luke and I hardly sleep with each other these past few weeks.. It's gone from bad to worse, and I don't know what I can do about it.. 

Let's talk about Luke's worse physical side.. His hair has grown out of it's usual neat -fresh cut, and it's tangled and messy.. His hygiene is also going down hill. It would be a miracle if I saw him brush his teeth twice a day.. He just sits around. He takes showers when he feels like it.. He eats when he feels like it.. His once beautiful eyes have bags under them, and his jawline has scruff covering it..

I don't even know if I'm about to explain what he's doing in the inside right.. We haven't done anything fun for a while.. When he promised me he was going to try, that probably lasted a week.. His smile and laughs are rare.. When I say he sits around, he stares at nothing.. I always wonder what he's thinking about, but I know what it is.. Bull riding. He barely talks to me anymore.. He comes home late, and I don't even know where he goes sometimes. But I can smell the alcohol on him..

That's the biggest thing I'm worried about, him drinking.. He rarely drank and now he has maybe four a week. I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but for him it is.. For the old Luke, anyways.. 

It just seems like his whole inside has shut down.. Shut down on him. His mom.. His dreams.. His mind.. His beliefs.. On me.. 

And the worst part is that I'm still competing around him.. When ever I mention a rodeo, it's heartbreaking.. The look on his face goes from sad to depressed.. And when I leave he just lets himself go.. I come home and there's trash all over, if he even eats.. 

I've told Jolene about this and she's tried to help him, but he just shuts her out. This Luke makes me sad, confused, and angry.

The angry comes from his selfishness.. He doesn't understand his healing is faster than normal, a lot faster. People have a lot bigger problems than he does. At least he's not poor, the ranch is doing well.. He's not homeless, not not loved, and he's healthy, kinda. 

And who can he thank for that? 

Me. 

If I wasn't here for him, he would be exactly like those people.. One of those guys at bars, that is my worst fear for him.. For him to be one of those depressed guys at the bar who drink a lot and get into fights because they can't take care of themselves. I don't want that for him.. So who is Luke Anderson? I don't know, you would have to tell me..

I sit up in bed and Luke shifts a little bit and he's not facing me anymore. I pull the covers off my legs and slide off the bed. I take off my shorts and grab a pair of big ripped-holey jeans and a blue shirt. I put my long dark brown hair into a loose braid and head downstairs to the barn. 

I'm finally getting Sitka used to a saddle blanket and I've gained a lot of trust with her. I've even taught her to lay down with a signal, it really shocked me when she did it. It's made me very proud of myself. I'm lunging her right now, just started our morning routine. 

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I have the saddle in the corral and Sitka is just staring at it. I have the bit in her mouth already, she fusses with it sometimes. I'm leaning against the bars of the gate and I'm staring at her like she is with the saddle. But my attention springs over to Caleb who is putting hay in the stalls.. 

It's been interesting with him and Luke.. Caleb is more talkative in a good and bad way. He's there when I have some good news and someone actually wants to talk to me.. The bad part is that I think he just tries to make Luke aggravated, it's kind of annoying because they just end up fighting. Which ends up in Luke leaving. But once he sees me looking at him, I retain my focus on the mustang.