Boys will be boys

Dear Diary, (Hey mother, I'm sorry I haven't visited by in a while)

Laying down in bed, I keep tossing and turning. I can't fall asleep to save my life. Ugh. I hate life. I can't stop thinking of the spark difference between Tyler and Luke, like how dose this even make sense. Well, my whole ninth grade experience has made no sense.

 "knock knock" I hear Ms.Sally say as she opens the door.

"Come in!" I say annoyed.

"Hey, kiddo."

"Hey, Ms. Sally."

"So, since I am marrying to your father. I was wondering if I could adopt you. Now before you say anything, I understand if you don't want me to adopt you. You can answer me anytime you want, I have the papers ready. I just want you to know that I will not adopt you unless you want me to. Do you understand?"

"Yes ma'am." I respond softly.

"Is there anything you need?"

"Can you take me to the Cemetery?"

She nods her head and told me, "Yes, met me at the car when you are ready."

I nod my head as she walks out and closes the door. I put on my jacket, shoes and put on some jeans. I take a deep breath and grabbed my teddy bear.

I then open Matthew's door and shook him until he woke up. "What the #$%& do you want?"

"Do you want to visit mommy?" I say softly trying not to cry.

His eyes widened as he responded, "Yes please."  He slipped on some clothes then went in his closest and grabbed his teddy bear. He grabbed my hand as we went into the car. We both went into the back seat quiet the whole time.

 As we arrived Ms. Sally said, "I will stay in the car. You two take as long as you guys need. "

"Yes ma'am." We say in unison.

We walked out the car as I whisper, "It's been awhile."

He nodded his head. I squeezed his hand as we arrived at the tomb stone.

We kneeled down and said, " Hey mother, sorry it's been awhile."

Matthew started to tear up, I then started to ball. I squeezed my bear and Matthew squeezed his. I then cried out, "Mommy I need help!"

Matthew grabbed on to me and I just couldn't let it go. It's been fifteen years and yet I still have not been able to get over it. I held on to Matthew as I just still haven't been able to get out what I needed to ask her many questions. I can't do this. I need help. I need a mother.