Old Friends

19- Aftermath

"Can I talk to you?" I asked softly.

"Of course. Have a seat." He replied. I sat across from him. "Go for it. Anything you want to say you can."

"I don't know what to do, Dean. I can't live without Sam. It's all my fault. I should have just agreed to be his vessel. Sam doesn't deserve to die. The thing that's hitting me the hardest is the fact that we- we-" I couldn't finish.

"You what? Take your time. Relax." He consoled.

"We never got married. He's gone and he's never gonna get to marry me." I cried out.

"He will someday. He'll get out." Dean was sure Sam would really get out but I didn't get how he was so optimistic.

"Dean, that could be years. I can't live without him that long. Teach me the crossroads spell. I need him back." I urged.

"Whoa whoa whoa. If you think there's any chance I'm telling you, you've lost your mind. You are not selling your soul for him." He insisted harshly.

"Fine." I said as I got up. "I'll find it myself." I started rummaging through books on the bookshelves. Dean came over, grabbed me by the wrist and led me into my room. He sat me down on the bed. "Dean, let go." I snapped.

"Only if you listen to me and don't run back out there." He asked of me. I nodded. He let go and I rubbed my wrist that was now hurting. "Listen. Our angel friend Cas is already on it. He'll have an equal chance at getting him back as you would but this way we don't lose you too. I know you want him back at any cost but selling your soul is not the way to go. Sam would be so pissed if you did. So would I."

"What am I supposed to do, Dean? He's my fiancé. I know he's your brother but it's different when you love him in this kind of way. It's so much worse than you think." I explained.

"I'm sure it's horrible. I wouldn't know, but I get how it would be worse than how I feel. I don't know what to tell you to do. Just stay as strong as you can and keep faith that he'll come back. If you ever want to talk, or cry, or anything, I'm here." He told me.

"Thanks, Dean. I just want to go for a walk. I swear I'm not trying to do any crossroads stuff. I just want a walk to clear my head a bit. That ok?" I asked.

"That's fine. Be safe." He replied. I walked out the bunker door. Sam was buried not too far from the bunker. Maybe a 5 minute walk. I wanted to go be with Sam. I sat down at Sam's gravesite and cried.

"Sammy. I know you can't hear me but I'm saying this now in case I never get to. I'm sorry I let you die. I'm sorry I didn't go with Dean to bury you. I'm sorry you're being tortured in hell because of me. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for anything I've ever said that hurt you. I'm sorry you didn't get to hear me say I love you before you died. I said it but by that point you were dead. I'm sorry that I'm throwing me being upset on Dean when I should be strong like you. I'm sorry I'm never gonna see you again. I'm sorry we're never gonna be able to get married. I'm sorry for everything." I cried out to the emptiness. Suddenly a hand was placed on my shoulder. Dean sat down next to me.

"I thought I might find you here."

"There a problem with that?"

"Not at all." He added.

"How much did you hear?" I asked, hoping it wasn't much.

"Pretty much all of it. You don't have all that to be apologizing for. He would have wanted you to make the choice you did. Trust me on that. You didn't want to see him like that and I'm sure he'd understand why you didn't go with me. Don't be sorry you're upset at all. It's not like I'm not." He consoled.

"You don't seem upset." I commented.

"I've never been one to really show my emotions. Besides, Cas is working on getting him back so I'm a little more optimistic than I'd be otherwise. I'm upset too."

"But Dean, I should be strong like you and Sam but instead I'm throwing being upset on you. I just don't know what to do anymore. My life has been helping you two with research and being a great fiancé for Sam. I have absolutely no reason to be here." I explained.

"Hey. Don't you dare say you have no purpose of staying with us. You're still my friend. We aren't gonna need to research for a while, and yes Sam is gone, but that doesn't mean you have no purpose. You're still someone I care about and I want to help you be ok. I'm serious, if you ever want to talk or anything, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere." He assured me. He put his arm around my shoulder and the tears came out faster than I imagined. I just couldn't bear losing Sam. "I was gonna head back to the bunker. You can come back when you're ready. If anything happens like someone tries to hurt you, you do anything in your power to call me, ok?" He asked. He wanted me to be safe. I nodded and he left. I sat there for hours. It began to pour but I stayed put. I was freezing and starving but didn't want to leave. Dean called me suddenly. I ignored it, not wanting to go back.

I heard the notification for a voicemail. I listened to it. "Caitlin, are you ok? You've been there for hours and it's freezing and pouring. If you don't call me back, I'm coming." He frantically told me. I didn't call him back because I didn't really care if he came or not. I heard footsteps behind me and I hoped it was Dean. Within seconds, I no longer felt rain falling on me. I looked up and there was an umbrella over my head. "Caitlin, you don't have to avoid me about all of this. Why do you keep trying to stay away from me?"

"Because I basically killed Sam. How are you not mad at me? I'm freaking pissed at myself, Dean. I don't know when Cas will get him back, but I'm having trouble living without Sam. I'm acting like Sam didn't matter to you, I'm acting like a child, I'm so stupid for making this choice and I don't want you to be mad at me. I'm fine, just let me be." I asked of him. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and memories and I didn't think him being there would help.

"You did not kill Sam. Lucifer did. I'm not mad because it's what Sammy would have wanted. He would have done the same had it been the same situation. I know you're having trouble living without Sam. It's hard for me too. I'm a wreck inside, Caitlin. I don't want to lose Sammy any more than you do. You are not childish to be upset or cry about this, ok? Don't feel like you can't cry around me. You are not stupid and I'm not mad. Just relax. I don't fault you at all. I'll go if you want, but I was thinking we go back and pick up some food on the way. It's cold and wet and it's getting late. I'm starving, but I don't know about you." He offered.

"I'm hungry too. Just give me a few and we'll go." He nodded.

"Take your time." He replied. He continued to hold the umbrella but took off his jacket. He put it around my shoulders. "No reason you should be freezing and upset." He added in a whisper. His jacket was warm. I felt comforted and safe. We sat for maybe 5 minutes more before we got up. We walked down the street to a little diner and grabbed a couple seats at a booth.

"Hi, what can I get for you two lovebirds?" She asked jokingly.

"Excuse me? We are not a couple." I was offended because Sam was dead.

"I'm sorry. You're wearing his jacket and you came in together with his arm around you, so I assumed. Sorry. I was trying to joke. It's been a slow day."

"It's ok. I'll take a burger with fries and a beer." Dean told her.

"I'll take a salad with ranch and a beer." I added.

"I'll be back with that shortly."

"What was with the snappy comment about me not being with you?" Dean asked.

"It just struck me wrong. Sam's dead and I can't laugh at someone calling me a lovebird anymore. Everything reminds me of him, Dean." I explained.

"Oh. That makes perfect sense. Sorry I made it look like we were together." He added.

"It's ok, Dean. Um, in your opinion, what do you think Sam would want me to do about him being gone? I just don't know what I'm supposed to do." I asked of him.

"I think he'd want you to keep living your life and just be patient." Dean stated honestly. He was right. I just needed to wait and try to just live my life. "I've been here for you as much as I could your whole life. We've been friends for forever. That's not gonna change. I'm right here if you need anything.