Old Friends

23- Curse of Both Sides

We got up in the morning and I headed out to Dean while Sam took a shower.

"Morning Dean."

"Morning." He said curiously. "Why are you in a decent mood?"

"No reason." I replied with a shrug.

"He told you, didn't he?" He asked almost angrily.

"Ok. Yes. Don't be mad at him. He wants to tell you eventually but he's worried you'll be mad about what he did there. It's different than what happened to you in a lot of ways. He only told me because I begged him to since he was upset. Give him a break." I told him.

"No. He's telling me." I followed behind him as he went to Sam's room. He had just returned from his shower. "Sam, Caitlin told me you told her everything. I want you to tell me. I have just as much a right to know as she does." Sam looked at me almost angrily.

"He figured out that you told me because I'm in a decent mood. I didn't tell him anything. He asked if you told me and I said yes." I insisted. Sam nodded in belief.

"Ok. Fine. Have a seat." Dean sat at the desk in his room. Sam went through the whole explanation over again and I could see Dean's mood and emotions change as the story went on. Dean felt bad for even asking.

"Why were you afraid to tell me?" Dean asked. "You didn't get mad at me for what I did, so why would I get mad at you?"

"I don't know. I just thought you would." He admitted.

"Well I'm not. I'm just sorry I even asked." He added.

"It's ok, Dean." Sam replied. Dean left the room. Sammy and I sat there in bed for a while and just hung out.

"Sam, I've been meaning to ask you, why did lucifer want me as a vessel? Did he say?" I questioned after a while. I was just so curious.

"Um, yeah. He said that it was because you were powerful and would be a valuable asset. That's all he said. I don't know what he's talking about. Don't let it bother you. He's not gonna get you this time." Sam explained consolingly. I moved nervously. I knew what he was talking about. Sam noticed my nervousness. "Hey, don't worry about it. You're safe here."

"Sam, it's not that."

"What is it baby? Talk to me." He urged.

"I know what lucifer is talking about. I've kept it from you and Dean and I don't know that I can tell you. I don't know that I ever can." I explained as tears flooded my face before running out the door. It was a stupid reaction, but I ran out of the bunker and hid in the forest nearby. I wasn't going to be gone for long I hoped, but I just couldn't be there any longer until I could collect myself. Sam and Dean both called me numerous times but I ignored them all. I texted Sam.

I can't talk to you about this. I've kept it from you for a reason. You're literally gonna kill me once you find out.

Baby, We aren't gonna hurt you. I swear.

I can't believe that. This is bad, Sam. Far worse than anything you can fix.

Just come back and we'll talk. Please. You're gonna freeze to death out there. I didn't reply but thought about it and weighed the options. I loved Sam, but I wasn't sure I could handle telling him. I decided to give it a shot and walked back to the bunker. I was getting really cold and I at least wanted to be somewhere warm. I was greeted by a hug from Sam. "Caitlin, we're here for you whatever it is." I continued to cry. He rubbed my back soothingly. "I promise it's ok." I nodded and we sat at the tables in the library.

"Ok, so Sam told me that lucifer said he wanted me to be his vessel because I was powerful and a valuable asset. I know exactly what he was talking bout about and I've been keeping it from you both. So, long after your dad dropped me off at a hunter's place, something happened. The hunter I was with got killed so I had to find a new place. I found someone to stay with. I did the standard tests and he didn't seem like he was supernatural. One day, he turned on me and wanted me to become something I didn't want to become. I agreed and he did some sort of spell that made me part human, part angel, and part demon. I have various powers from both sides, yet the emotions and everything of a human. I'm a monster, guys. I know I am. I know you two want to kill me, but please don't. I can control my powers as you have seen. It's not easy but I've gotten used to it over the years. Just please don't kill me. I'm sorry I led you guys on. I'm sorry you fell in love with a monster, Sam. I'm sorry I betrayed you by keeping this from you."

"Why would you even agree to that?" Dean asked. "That was so stupid. Everything is after you now and you kept it from us. Why would you make that choice?" He was getting fired up.

"Dean, please. I had to."

"Why did you do it?" He insisted. He had such a fire and anger in his voice that I was almost worried for my own safety.

"I did it for you two." I explained as a couple tears fell.

"What?"

"Whoever the guy was said he'd kill you both if I didn't agree. I couldn't let you die. I couldn't do it. It wasn't too long after you two hated me and stopped talking to me. I was mad at you both at the time, but I would still do anything for you two." I told them. "I get that you're mad, but I didn't have a choice, ok? Just leave me alone." I got up and walked to my room. Sam joined me soon after.

"Caitlin, baby," he started.

"Just go away. I'll be packed and gone in a bit ok?" I asked. I expected him to throw me out or kill me for what I was.

"Hold on. I'm not kicking you out or anything. Relax. Why did you think you couldn't tell me? You can trust me. You know this." He asked. He was clearly offended that I didn't tell him.

"I know I can trust you. Just I know that makes me a monster. You hunt them. I don't care how much you love me, I'm still a monster. I didn't think you'd understand that I had no choice but to agree to do it." I explained.

"I totally understand, babe. I'm not happy you had to do that, but I get it. Listen. We'll figure it out. We'll find a way to cure you. We'll track down this guy and get him to make you human again. It'll be ok."

"Sam, you can't cure this. The guy is dead to begin with. This is who I am and this is who I'm always gonna be. If you can't handle that, then tell me and I'll leave." I offered.

"Caitlin, you're gonna hate me for this, but I don't know if I can handle that. I'm not saying I want you to leave. I can deal with being able to find a cure because we can fix this eventually, but if there's no cure, I'm not sure. Not because I don't love you but because everything is after us. Hunting is tough enough and now we have everything after us. I'm not kicking you out though. It'll just take time to handle it." He explained. He had a combination of compassion and anger to his voice. He saw me as a monster and I knew it.

"I'm gonna go talk to Dean. Give me a bit." I stated emotionlessly. I knew they'd both want me out.

"Hey. You ok?" He asked.

"As if you care, Dean. I know I'm a screw up and a monster and betrayed you both. Sam doesn't think he can handle it since there's no cure and the guy who did this is dead. I'm sure you can't either. You're either gonna make me leave or kill me. Which is it, Dean?" I asked. I was so distraught that I could barely think straight. I was in tears and there was no chance of stopping.

"Hey, I care. That hasn't changed. I'm not mad at you by the way. I just wish this wasn't what it took to save Sam and I. You are not a monster. Don't say that. I'm not kicking you out or killing you. Did Sam say he was kicking you out?" He inquired.

"Not directly. I told him if he can't handle it then he should tell me and I'll get out. He told me why he couldn't handle it. He said he's not forcing me out, but you should have seen him, Dean. He's looking at me like I'm a monster and he hates me now. I need to go. It's what he wants." I explained as more tears fell.

"You can stay all you want. He's just not sure what to do. Just relax. It's gonna be ok." He went to wrap me in a hug but I backed away, scared it would be a trap. "I'm not gonna hurt or kill you. It's ok. I just want you to be ok." I nodded and hugged him. It was well needed.

"Thanks, Dean. I really think it'd be best if I left though. Not that it matters to him if I go or not. I love him, Dean, but I know it's too hard for him to deal with this now. Can you help me out? Distract Sam and get him to leave. Please. I'll take a scam credit card and go stay at some hotel somewhere. I'll do my best to stay safe." I stated sincerely.

"Caitlin,"

"Please let me do this, Dean." He gave in and nodded. He went and got Sam out of my room. We hung out for a while then he asked Sam to go pick up more beer. They were getting low anyways.

"Hey Sam, you wanna pick up some beer while I get some food?"

"Sure. You ok here, Caitlin?" He asked as if he was scared I would break something.

"Yeah." I replied. Dean and Sam left and I headed to my room to pack.