trigger warning; suicide
"In lieu of recent events," their principle started out, clearing his throat. "We're having this assembly to teach everyone of the ten things that studies show can be clues to impending suicide."
Seokjin clenched his hands in his lap in an attempt to keep himself in his seat. Yoongi leant over and carefully draped an arm over his shoulders, but Seokjin was too numb to feel it. He stared straight ahead as the principle kept talking.
"We'll start from ten; giving away personal belongings. This can range from pencils, to clothes, to prized possessions."
Seokjin moved his fingers deftly over the fabric of his – of Namjoon's hoodie – as he thought about everything Namjoon had given him recently. Namjoon would always coincidentally leave his hoodies at Seokjin's house and just tell him to keep them, that he had no need for them and Seokjin looked good in his clothes anyway. He also thought about Namjoon's favorite book sitting carefully on his book shelf. Seokjin had been afraid to read it yet, just in case he did something to stain the pristine pages and Namjoon wanted it back.
"Nine; a drastic change in looks. Wardrobe changes, cutting hair really short or getting extensions, suddenly wearing makeup or not wearing any at all."
Seokjin had helped Namjoon dye his hair two weeks ago. They dyed it a bright pink, Namjoon said it was because it was Seokjin's favorite color. They'd spent the whole weekend together – on Friday night they went to the store and bought the hair dye, then Namjoon took Seokjin to a cute restaurant he'd found and bought him dinner. They went back to Seokjin's place and fell asleep almost immediately. Saturday they died Namjoon's hair and watched movies, and on Sunday before Namjoon left Seokjin had laid on his chest and they'd talked about everything – books, movies, classes, their relationship – but not everything everything, now that Seokjin thinks about it.
"Eight; a sudden lack of interest in normal things. Wanting to quit sports teams, or stop extracurricular activities."
Namjoon had dropped out of debate at the beginning of the semester. He'd told Seokjin it was because he didn't want to have to deal with the bigots in the debate club anymore. Namjoon had crawled into Seokjin's bed and they'd made out after that.
"Seven; getting affairs in order, such as making amends or confessing things to someone."
Namjoon and his dad hadn't talked in years, despite Seokjin's numerous attempts to at least get Namjoon to text him when he'd gotten into the college he wanted. It was only recently that Seokjin had come over and there had been an obscure car in the spot that he usually parked. Seokjin had walked into Namjoon's living room to see him sitting across from his dad. They were talking in hushed voices, and Mr. Kim kept talking about how sorry he was for everything, and Namjoon was hearing him out. After he'd left Seokjin had showered him in kisses and cuddles for doing the right thing.
"Six and five; inability to concentrate very well, due to things like depression or overthinking. This usually also results in grade drops."
Namjoon was the smartest person Seokjin had known, and within a few weeks his grades had gone from A's, to B's, to C's. Namjoon had told Seokjin he was just stressed, that he'd bring them all back up after he'd gotten some rest and his mind in order. Seokjin had believed him.
"Four; withdrawal from family and friends."
"Three; loss of appetite."
Usually, when Seokjin would come over Namjoon's mom would cook them all dinner and they'd sit down and eat it like a big family. Recently he'd go over and Ms. Kim would smile at his sadly before pointing up the steps. Seokjin would find Namjoon splayed out on his bed, listening to music loudly through headphones with a pillow over his head. Seokjin normally just sat with him on these days, or if he was far enough over on the bed Seokjin would slip in next to him and hold the younger boy in his arms and think about how he was going to be deaf by the time he was twenty-five.
"Two; thoughts or mentions of death, bringing up death casually."
Namjoon had asked him one day out of the blue if he'd ever thought about death. If Seokjin knew where he wanted to be buried, or if he wanted to be cremated. Who was in his will? Do people as young as them have wills, was it possible to write wills whenever you want? They'd always talked about whatever, good bad or ugly, and Seokjin didn't think of the questions as anything more than a conversation starter. They'd talked about it for hours it seemed like, it was like Namjoon's questions about death were so extensive that he had to answer them himself.
"And the biggest one is usually a sudden burst of... how do I put this? Affection. Suddenly telling you how much you mean to them, that they'd be nothin without you."
Namjoon had told him everyday that week that he loved him. Every time for a different reason. Monday, it was because Seokjin was excited for him when Namjoon talked about things he liked. Tuesday, it was because even though he didn't always look the best when he was younger, Seokjin had loved him through it. Even the few months he had a mohawk and wore sunglasses inside. Wednesday, it was because Seokjin was always pushing him to try new things. Food, books, writing poetry. Seokjin wanted everything in the world for Namjoon, and showing him all these new things was his plan to give Namjoon the best life he could get. Thursday, it was because Seokjin always knew what to say, or what not to say. He was perfect. Friday, it was because Seokjin gave the best kisses and cuddled the best and always knew how to cheer Namjoon up. Saturday, it was because Seokjin loved Namjoon for who he was, and loved him through everything that had happened to the younger boy in the span of the five years they'd been dating. Sunday's reason never came.
Seokjin had received a text at ten a.m, a simple, I love you, and the police report ha been filed at eleven thirty when Ms. Kim had rushed home after sending Namjoon over twenty texts he didn't read, and dialed five calls Namjoon never answered. The sixth call was to 911, and the seventh was to Seokjin.
"And I want to use this time to take a moment of silence for fellow classmate and student Kim Namjoon, who died on Sunday at ten thirty a.m. Please keep his family, friends, and loved ones in your thoughts and prayers."
Seokjin watched as everyone around him bowed their heads. He closed his own eyes and pulled his knees to his chest, but was unable to hold back the heart wrenching son that rang out against the silent gymnasium. Seokjin felt five pairs of arms wrap around his shoulders as his world crashed around him.
