Jun~~~
The tournament was actually really fun and if I wasn't feeling like a complete idiot and jerk I would probably be enjoying myself. I need to come up with a way to apologize to Minghao but I'm clueless.
" it's your turn again." Woozi said but I shook my head not wanting to move from my seat. He looked at me like I said the strangest thing on the world. I know I play around a lot but I'm allowed to mope too! Just as I got into a comfortable moping position Scoups and the rest who left walked in. Minghao glanced at me and looked away quickly. I sighed pulling my knees to my chest. Why am I so stupid.
After everyone had gone again we settled down to watch whatever movie Dino bought. I heard him say we were watching Nemo causing us all to groan and protest. Then the spongbob song started playing and everyone got happy. Everyone was cuddle to their best friends getting cozy except for me. A moment like this made me feel even worse that I didn't have my precious little minghao to cuddle up to. I spotted him sitting in a kitchen chair in the back of the room watching the movie. Every once in awhile a small grin would form on his face only to drop seconds later. I couldn't help starring at the cute boy. Hell that was the reason I wanted to get away. He was doing things to me, things I have never thought would be done. After staring for nearly 15 minutes I saw Seungcheol get up. Jeonghan whispered to Joshua and then followed a few minutes later. I couldn't take my sad cinnamon roll looking lonely anymore so I got up. He glanced at me. I walked to him, grabbed his arm, and pulled him outside to sit on the front porch.
For awhile we sat quietly both of us looking at the ground. I shifted my gaze from the ground to his lap where his hands continuously fidgeted. He seemed extremely nervous. I understood why though. I know he's a soft person, not as in being weak and not able to take any hardship cause waiting to debut was a real hardship, I mean everything he grew up around was soft making him a gentle being. He does everything so graceful and treats everyone as if they were the most important thing in the world, but I yelled at him. The look on his face crushed me. He looked so scared and shocked and hurt and.....broken. It wasn't his fault. Yes I loved him and he caused my feelings, but he didn't deserve to be punished for what my parents told me when I was young.
I've always been told being gay is unnatural, that it's disgusting. My parents threw my big brother out when he told them he was gay. I never wanted my parents to throw me away. I told myself to to ignore my "unnatural " feelings toward my male costars when I was young. Eventually making me feel nothing toward anyone until Minghao broke my will to forget love. He made me want to feel while also making me want to throw myself off a cliff.
I reached over and grabbed Minghao's shaky hand. He looked over at me looking pale and I smiled a little. I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
" I'm sorry." I whispered letting go of his hands and hugging his now shaking body. He slowly wrapped his arms around my neck and tried to speak clearly.
" I thought y-you hated m-me hyung..." He said fumbling on every word. I squeezed him tighter with him doing the same. His tears causing my shoulder to get wet. *get wet 😂*
" I don't hate you Mingming..... I hate myself..." I said whispering quietly. He pushed me back staring letting tears fall freely. He grabbed both my hands and held them in this lap.
" don't say that Junnie! Why are you saying such strange things lately?" He asked looking worried. Should I tell him I love. What if he isn't gay? What if he hates gays? Then he will hate me. I can't have that happen it was hard enough letting him think I hated him.
" I-I'm gay...." I said quietly. He let go of my hands. My heart sank. He got up and walked into the house not even bothering to shut the door. He hated me now. If he hates me my parents will and the members will and I won't have anywhere to go cause they'll kick me out. I let all my emotion out and cried hard becoming a snotty mess. The door shut behind me and I didn't bother to look back. To my surprise I felt a blanket being thrown on my back. Then minghao came around and stood in front of me.
