Broken #Wattys2016

Contradictions.

Contradictions.

Having anxiety and depression is a constant contradiction of itself.

It's fearing failure, but having no urge to be productive.

It's wanting to have friends, but hating socialization.

It's wanting to be left alone, but not wanting to feel lonely.

It's about caring to deeply about everything, then caring about absolutely nothing.

It's feeling so much that you can't breathe without pain, then feeling so paralyzingly numb throughout your entire being.

Anxiety will strip you of your actions.

It will prevent you from raising your hand in class, for fear of looking stupid.

It's fear of applying for a job, because you know you are being judged.

It's being completely alone, and yet, you feel as though you are being watched.

It's being in a crowded place and feeling like the entire room is judging you.

It's not wearing that fun new outfit, because it's to bright and people might think it's weird.

Depression will strip you of your feelings.

It will fill you with such a sense of self loathing that you resent yourself.

It will make you question if your friends really like you.

It will cause such insecurity that you hide within a shell.

It will make a simple task like getting out of bed, seem impossible.

It will cause your view of the world to change. You will struggle to see beauty.

It will make you cry, when you have no idea why.

It will sabotage relationships.

It will cause trust issues.

Both of these are serious illnesses. They shouldn't be ignored.

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I have struggled with both of these demons for years.

If you ever read my story Half Blood Luna, you would of noticed, I preach a lot about positivity and loving yourself. Then coming to this poetry book.. It's very different.

I do always try and be positive. I smile when I want to cry. I always forced myself to do my daily tasks even when I feel like I physically or even mentally can't.

This book is a lot of my.. Negative side. It's my version of self expression. I speak about death, strength, my personal experiences, other experiences I have made up and just other random things. But please know, that life is always worth living. I scoffed as I wrote that. But it is true. I repeat it to myself every. Fucking. Day.

Life is worth it.

I am worth it.

I need to keep going.

I have to live.

And you know what? It helps. So many things have tried to break me. Depression, anxiety, grief, abuse, neglect, violence, other mental issues, cancer. So many things have tried to break me.

But here I am. I'm alive. I'm not always happy, but if you ever met me, you'd never know what I suffered. Keep smiling guys.

Believe.

Believe in yourself.

Believe in love.

Believe it will get better.

Believe in life.

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Hey guys, I know it's long, but please read what I wrote up there in bold.

I love each of you, and I believe in you guys. Really, I do.

Thank you for reading <3

- Jade xx