I Am A Paradox

Chapter 26

Kayna Katherine

I watch Yna sleep. It took me real amount of courage not to break down in front of her as I comforted her. Actually, I still haven't broke down. Guess I should save it for later. Kenneth tried to approach me and I tried to indulge for a small talk. But it was really hard since he can definitely hear my thoughts and I don't want him to hear my thoughts right now. I don't want him to know how confused and conflicted and unsure I am. So, I just kept thinking about stars and constellations and happy thoughts and chocolates while we talk. I know that he knows I'm only doing it to prevent him from reading my thoughts. I also know that it frustrated him because I know that he wanted to know if I'm okay. So, I just keep smiling and teasing him but it was really hard because I know that my smile doesn't reach my eyes.

"Sweetie, are you alright?" I turned my head and found that my mother is approaching me. I run to her and hugged her. She hugged me back.

"Ssssssh. It's okay." Mom tried to hush me.

"C'mon mom, I'm not even crying." I attempted to laugh but it sounded like a cough.

"I know. I've never seen you cry. I know you're a tough girl sweetie, you got that from me. But sometimes, you need to let go of that emotion building inside you. You can't keep that to yourself forever. It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes. Always remember that being vulnerable does not make you a weakling. It means that you are brave enough to let go of the things that makes you sad." As she said it, a single tear fell.

"I remember those times when I was so broken, I wanted to hurt him so bad. I wanted to hurt myself, I wanted to break things, I wanted to throw rocks. But the only thing I never wanted to do was to cry. I thought, why would I cry? He's not worth my tears. But every night, when the world is silent and no one was there to watch, memories of him still flood and it even hurt more and more each day. I remember my friends and your grandma trying to console me but I keep trying to shrug them off. But one night, your grandma went to my room and asked if I was okay, I was in the middle of writing his name on a paper only to burn it after and wishing that he was the one eaten by the flames. She asked me if I was okay and as usual, I said yes but she got furious! You wanna know what she said?" She asked, I nodded.

"I did not carry you in my womb for nine months only to fool me young one. You're not okay? Then say it! You're hurt? Then cry! Sometimes, you need to let your tears wash your eyes so that you can see things clearer again."

Oh.

"Everyone of us got our own demons inside Kayna" she added. "We do things that can hurt people and people do things that can hurt us. Being hurt is inevitable. It's a part of life. And crying is a by-product of being hurt." And that's when the tears fall. I hugged my mother and she hugged me back. I didn't realize I need a hug so much in my life.

"Thank you Mom." I thanked her genuinely.

"You're welcome." She smiled and wiped away my tears.

"It's just that I'm so mad right now. You know, all my life I thought I was you know, the unluckier one because my own father does not know me and he was a monster and that people always give me you know, "the looks" because they don't know who my father was."

"I know, I'm sorry." My mom bowed her head.

"No, it's not your fault Mom. It never was. My point was that, I thought among the two of us, I was the unlucky one because c'mon, look at her, she's a princess. She was known by many, respected by many. She had a complete family.  She had a father. But upon knowing that? That all her life, she wanted to save her sister. And it was only now that I knew I have another sister. She who was offered to a man who I only knew a few days from now. I was so ignorant. I can only imagine the feeling Yna was keeping inside, knowing that she can't even tell anyone about it." I mumbled. My mother only nodded because I know that she doesn't know what to say too.

We continued to hug each other until Uncle Richard came and informed us that it's time for dinner. I just told them that I'll wait until Yna will wake up. Mom went with him and I sat down on the couch inside the room. I stared at her and noticed that we indeed really have almost the same features. I smiled to myself and closed my eyes.

It's been a long day.

****

Hey! That was an emotional chapter but I promise, it will get exciting. I apologize if the updates are somehow taking long. I'm just not really in the mood to write sometimes hehehe.

Comment. Vote. Share. :)