Skinny Love//jack dail

~PART FOUR~

One year.

One long disastrous year.

Oh, you're wondering why?

Well, Breaking up with Jack didn't help with anything at all. It just kept getting worse for me.

How, you might ask?

Well, my mother got killed and my dad's in war right now.

I'm still grieving. That was 6 months ago, too.

Violet comes over everyday, occasionally bringing Walker, and Jacob comes over every other weekend and sometimes even stays for a about a week, depending on his tour schedule.

What I have I been doing?

I still have my channel, putting on a smile for all my fans every week on Wednesday. I started a gaming channel, hoping that it would help keep my mind off of the bad things happening to me.

But the truth is, I'm not doing well at all.

I've contemplated so many times about sneaking into Jack's bed, telling him to forgive me and that I love him.

But the temptation vanishes whenever I drink a bottle or two.

I never planned on becoming into this, oh no.

I just got addicted to self-confliction.

Don't worry, I don't drink all the time.

Probably like 2/7 days of the week. That's not that bad.

Lynn seems to be away also, having fun with her new girlfriend Pheobe.

It's starting to make me think about stereotypical, sex crazed, lesbian thing.

I know Lynn's not like that, though.

It's summer break. I'll be a senior next year.

Time flies by, doesn't it.

I don't ignore Jack, if that's what you're wondering. We still hang out, but whenever we're together with our group of friends, we're both so distance.

Probably trying not to cry.

I still love him, to be quite honest.

It'd be hard not to love him.

But I do have an occasional make out session with a guy I think is somewhat attractive.

I'm not a slut. Don't even think that I am.

I just need to get my mind off of things.

Once, I've smoked.

Didn't like the taste of it.

Twice, I've smoked.

I got used to the dryness.

Thrice, I've smoked.

I stopped caring about what it felt on the tip of my toungue.

Now I smoke, but I smoke as much as I drink.

2/7 aka 2 secret sticks a week.

So don't worry about me.

I gotta stay high all the time to keep him off my mind.

To keep my mother off my mind.

To keep everything off my mind.

I once tried to move on from him, but it didn't feel right.

Because every time I look at Jack, I get this feeling inside of me and I just wanna throw myself onto him and make out with him.

The next thing I want to do to him is explicit, hun.

He always turns his head when I come near.

He's gotta be mad at me.

He's got to.

I would be mad at me too. Walking out without such an explanation. But he wouldn't have understand.

No one would understand, not even you.

It's something only I would be able to understand.

But even sometimes I don't know why I did it.

Do I regret doing it?

Yeah, quite often.

Then why did you do it?

I was trying to protect him. I was in a lot of trouble and I was only bringing him into it.

And I hated that.

But now

I just hate myself.