My Random Romance

Chapter You Can Skip

I have way more problems than I let on.

I guess some would say I have an awesome life. Two fully functional parents that love me for me, a family that may or may not think that I'm annoying. Good friends. But sometimes I don't want to be me. I want what other people have. I guess I'm just jealous as fuck. I want all of the friends, I want the perfect face, the perfect body. I want to be the one that wins everything and is called beautiful and talented and creative and smart. On the other hand, I want an abusive relationship or an abusive family member. Call me crazy, call me a freak, I don't care. But I want the pain, I want the hate and the anger. I want to be called names and yelled at and hit.

I want the attention.

And I feel so fucking selfish for feeling this way. You have no idea how much I hate feeling this way.

I just want attention. From somebody. I want the physical attention. Hugging, kissing, cuddling, hell, even sex. I want that kind of connection with a guy.

I guess these feelings are just from being bullied and hated so much at school and feeling like my parents don't care about me. I might just be paranoid.

And I know that tons of other people have it way worse than I do. I hate myself for feeling like this. For thinking that I want some sort of abusive relationship or romanticising the thought of depression and cutting. I honestly feel like an attention whore.

I have no reason to be depressed, but I am. And I'm not going to lie, I fucking hate myself. I may act like I'm all happy, and sometimes, I actually am, but other times, some people don't realize how much their words actually hurt me. I act like I'm joking when I ask people if they hate me and when they say yes, it really hurts. And I know I do it to myself. I asked them a question, and they were just telling the truth.

And I fucking hate that I get jealous when my friends or family pay more attention to other people than to me. I get so fucking jealous when other people win things that I want, or I felt that I should have gotten or won. And I'm so clingy towards the people I love, but I don't know how to let out my emotions in person, so I ball it up inside of me until I get like this and it makes me want to break down and cry just a bit more every single time.

I know that I can be narcissistic and act like I know it all sometimes, and I know how much it annoys other people. But that's my way of trying to act normal. Trying to act like I'm not so fucking messed up that its not even funny.

I'm sorry, I needed to rant and I don't have paper and I don't even care that it's on the internet. Goodbye.