Tourist Trap

Chapter 1

It was fortunate that Dr. Octavius was wearing his oversized work goggles, otherwise the chicken's talon would have surely scratched out one of his eyeballs.  

"Now calm down, Esther," he whispered as he stroked her feathers soothingly. 

He was trying to coax the chicken to mate with a small tree monkey. To that end he had borrowed an old record player from his niece and thrown on a Barry White album. He had also lit a couple of candles in the hopes of creating a romantic atmosphere. So far he had not been successful. The monkey had been willing. Too willing actually, as he had humped Dr. Octavius's leg on numerous occasions. The chicken, on the other hand, was proving to be a little prudish. When she wasn't squawking and struggling against him, she was huddled on the corner of the table refusing to make eye contact. 

"Come on, Esther, don't be shy," Dr. Octavius said softly. "Michelangelo is a nice monkey. You know, most girls would be thrilled to have a man as gentlemanly as Michelangelo. No, Michelangelo, don't throw feces at her. That's no way to win her affection. Hasn't anyone ever taught you how to woo a lady?" 

He was suddenly interrupted by a knock on his door. "Can I help you?" he called out as he stopped the music.  

The door opened part-way and his niece Sarah poked her head in. "Hi. Are you busy?"  

"You know I'm never too busy for a visit with you. Come on in." His face fell imperceptibly when he saw she had brought along her boyfriend Vance. He didn't care much for Vance with his greasy long hair pulled back into a pony tail. Or his irritating tendency to flex his muscles at every opportunity. Worst of all, Vance showed no interest in science, or anything academic for that matter, which was tantamount to a cardinal sin in Dr. Octavius's book. He really didn't know what Sarah saw in the guy.  

Of course few men could have lived up to Dr. Octavius's exacting standards for his niece. Having raised her from a very young age after her parents died in a car accident, she was more like a daughter to him.  

"Did you forget to put on a shirt again this morning?" Sarah asked. Sometimes she was more like a mother to him as well. 

Dr. Octavius looked down at the sparse patch of white hair that poked out from underneath his lab coat. "I guess I did. I get so caught up in my experiments I forget about the every day details. I don't know what I'd do without you." 

"Probably starve to death," Sarah smiled back at him sweetly. 

"So to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?" he asked. 

"Oh, I'm sorry to bother you. I was wondering if you were finished with the record player? Vance just bought a record at a garage sale that he wants to listen to." 

"Doesn't Vance have his own record player?" Dr. Octavius asked. 

"Of course he does, silly. But he lives on the other side of town and he doesn't want to drive all the way over there. It's okay if you're still using it. We can wait until later" 

"But sugar lips, I want to listen to my record now," Vance whined. 

"It's okay, Sarah," Dr. Octavius sighed. "It doesn't appear to be doing me much good. Esther here just doesn't seem to know how to love. Michelangelo, on the other hand... say, where is Michelangelo?" 

Seeing a new opportunity to be amorous, the monkey had hopped off the table and begun humping Vance's leg. "What the hell?" Vance shouted as he noticed what was happening. He shook the monkey off and then tried to kick him in the head. Michelangelo scattered out of the way and unleashed a barrage of monkey chatter. 

"Oh, I apologize for Michelangelo's behavior," Dr. Octavius sputtered as he gathered up the monkey in his arms. "He didn't mean anything by it. He's just a little frustrated. He's revved up and ready to go but his mate just won't put out."