Tourist Trap

Chapter 25

Vance woke up groggily and smacked his lips. It appeared to be early evening and he'd apparently spent most of the day sleeping. He pondered getting another quick practice session in on his tuba, but something was urging him to go shopping once more. He got out of bed and stretched his arms as he let out a lengthy yawn. He had a feeling he really needed some yarn for some reason. Preferably brightly colored. And perhaps maybe a snorkel. That should do the trick quite nicely. 

He mumbled a few of his favorite swear words and was happy to notice they weren't peppered with any of that flowery language he'd been speaking for awhile.  

He made his way down to the lobby and walked outside. He wasn't sure where to go when he suddenly spotted a sign off to the right that read "Big Gary's Underwater Knitting Supplies." 

The door to the store appeared to be made of wood with a big brass knob but as he approached it unexpectedly transformed into a revolving door. Unperturbed, Vance continued through it but found that the spin began to accelerate very quickly once he pushed on it. He spun around in circles several times before a trapdoor abruptly opened beneath his feet and he found himself sliding down a long chute.  

He landed in a heap at the bottom and found himself looking up at a cat sporting a lengthy mullet. 

"Hello, and welcome to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Shoppe! Where the only thing certain is our low low prices! I'm Ernie Heisenberg! Pleased to meet you!" 

Vance pulled himself to his feet. "Do you sell yarn and snorkels here?" 

Ernie's face fell. "Well, I don't know. Why do you ask?" 

"Because your sign said you were an underwater knitting store." 

"Really?" Ernie said thoughtfully. "That sign says some really crazy things. I suppose you could look around if you'd like, but I wouldn't touch anything if I were you. We had a giraffe in here last week who picked up a golf ball that shrunk his neck down to the size of a pencil. Needless to say he won't be showing his face in public anytime soon. Come to think of it he might still be wandering around here somewhere. That exit has a habit of moving around to some rather odd locations." 

Vance grunted in response as he browsed through the various items on the shelf. He couldn't make heads or tails of most of them. Some items didn't appear to be anything recognizable at all, while others were bizarre amalgamations of everyday items, like a device that appeared to be an alarm clock mixed with a bowling ball. 

"That's a nice shirt you're wearing, by the way," Ernie said. "It seems oddly familiar somehow." 

"My girlfriend bought it for me," Vance said dismissively as he continued to poke around. 

"Oh yeah?" Ernie asked. "And where is the lovely lady in question right now?" 

"I dunno," Vance shrugged and glanced closely at a boot covered with light switches. 

"Oh goodness. She didn't get lost on the way in, did she? That's been known to happen on occasion." 

"Huh?" Vance looked up suddenly. "What are you talking about?" 

"Your girlfriend." 

"What about her?" 

"I was asking if she got lost on the way in." 

"Oh," Vance said. "Nah, I don't know where the hell she is. But that's not important right now." He continued to look around on various shelves, scanning back and forth with his eyes. "Wow, look at the size of that!" A long snorkel had suddenly materialized right in front of him. "I'll take it! How much do you want for it?" 

Ernie examined it closely for a moment. "Hmm. Appears to be of rather shoddy workmanship. How does half a strand sound?" 

"Deal," Vance said. "And could you throw in that ball of yarn that just appeared behind you for another half a strand? It looks like that's all I have left." 

"Very well," Ernie said as he wrung up Vance's purchase. "And look! There's a hole in the roof that appears to lead outside! Better take advantage of the exit opportunity before it goes away." 

Vance shoved his items in his pocket, climbed on a table, and hoisted himself up through the ceiling.