Ricky And Jackie

22. Jackie

"Jackie, I've been meaning to tell you..."
I turn back to Ricky. "What is it?"
"If I'd run away, would you come with me?"
"What do you mean, run away?" I ask, my brows frowning.
"Leave Oakland without telling my parents."
"Ricky, you can't be serious..."

But the prince looks totally serious about this.

"I... I need to think about it. And please, do some thinking as well. I wouldn't like it to cause your family that kind of worry."
"Sure, but they'll know why I did this. They're not that clueless."
I don't say anything.
"Is tomorrow your day off?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"So you'll call me?"
"Okay."

I unbuckle myself, my brain deep in thoughts, and open the door before Ricky reaches it.

"Good night princess." he tells me.
I smile, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I simply squeeze his hand in mine before walking in my house. My siblings are waiting for me in the kitchen.

"How did it go?" wonders Janet.
I shrug and let myself fall on the chair next to her.
"I'm guessing Romeo broke your heart once again." groans Jackson as he rolls his eyes.
"No... I don't know."
Janet frowns, leaving the dishes alone.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I don't know." I repeat.
"Jackie, I want a crystal clear answer."
"I just don't know where we're at anymore... I don't know where I want us to stand." I whisper, knotting my fingers.

My siblings exchange a concerned glare.

"How do I know if he's the one, guys?" I ask again, resting my head in my arms.

I don't expect an answer. I am overwhelmed by my own feelings. Is it even okay for an 18 years old girl to fall for a man like that? To even consider running away with me to get married? To become a princess in the 21st century? So many questions, and no one to answer them. Oh how I wish Mom was still here!

I remember when she was packing for that mission trip. I was worried sick about her leaving us for an entire week on out own. "You wanna go there? Why can't we go too? I wanna go with you!"
"Honey, she said smiling, you only want to miss school."
"But you are missing school too! If something happens..."
"The school won't stop working if the director and the seventh grade teacher leave for a week! You will be okay, Lili. God will protect you, alright?"
"What if Jerry asks me out?"
She failed at holding back her laugh.
"Come on Lili, don't tell me you're serious! Just because he always come here doesn't mean he has feelings for you! Besides, no dating till college, your dad already told you."
She pecked my cheek and shooed me out of her room to give her more space.

I should've asked her how she met dad. How he proposed. Where was their first date. On the other hand, I only was thirteen, and was more busy figuring out how I was gonna make it as a guest star on a Hannah Montana episode than anticipating my future relationship problems.

"Why didn't He protect them? Why did He call back my mom? I need her..." I wipe a tear with my sleeve and look around. Jackson and Janet are having a conversation in the living room.

Do I love Ricky? I'm not even sure anymore. Is it a deep attraction? Maybe I trick my self into thinking I like him just because he happens to return the feelings. What if we run away and it doesn't even work out? What if he leaves and falls in love with another awesome girl? I don't even know if I'd be relieved or green with envy.

Oh who am I kidding. I fell hard for the prince. And I am scared to crash into a concrete floor. I'm scared to lose him, I'm scared to love him. I want him to leave, I want him to stay. I need him, perhaps? But it wouldn't be okay. I only need God, right? I am an independent woman, cue the Destiny's Child song. If Ricky becomes too important in my life, I'll make him leave.

So, I guess I won't leave with him... Actually, is he leaving no matter what? Is he abdicating in order to leave? Where does he even want to go?

"Jackie? Go to bed, it's almost 2 a.m." orders me Jackson before going upstairs.

I yawn and head for my bedroom. Fortunately I'm already in sweatpants and T-shirt, so I can hop in bed right away.

But I can't sleep.

I turn on my night stand lamp in a growl and walk over to my closet. I pull a box filled with album photos and birthday cards. A lump starts forming in my throat as I recognize pictures of my parents.

I had forgotten their faces.

I shut the box closed, regretting that I ever opened it.

I'm on my own now. They won't come back.

***

"Jackie? You awake?"
Janet pops her head through the door. I'm already awake and dressed, looking at the box I pulled out yesterday.
"Yeah."
"Ricky's here."
I glance at my watch. It's almost 11. I was about to call him.
"He can come in."
"Alright."

I kneel in front of the box and start emptying the box absentmindedly.
"Hey."
I lift my head to the prince.
"Have a seat, I'm coming."
He sits down in my closet, next to me, and watches me stack album photos into piles. Ricky didn't kiss or even hug me, so I assume he already knows what I'm going through.
"I thought about it last night. And I think you should go."
He doesn't react right away.
"Without you?" he asks.
"Without me." I confirm.
"You want me to stop fighting for you?"
"I'd appreciate that."

I keep organizing the albums without looking at him. We don't say anything for a long time. I focus on his even breathes.

"I guess I should go packing then." he finally says.
He gets up from the carpet.
"You're leaving today?" I wonder, stopping my hands mid air.
"I got your blessing so yeah. I'm heading for New York. Might stop by Queens to go visit the university of United States."

I'd like to laugh but the heart wouldn't be into it. I don't want him to leave but I know it's the right thing to do. Neither of us know what to do with our lives and we have to figure it out alone before attempting any romantic getaway.

As I was seeking for motherly advice in my closet, I found a torn piece a paper folded in four. I unfolded it only to stumble on a bible verse. With a little p.s. under it.

Like you just read, Adam had a job before God gave him his wife. At least try to do the same, Janet.

Obviously it wasn't even for me - My sister was in a relationship with a guy who had dropped out of high school at the time - but now it took all its sense. My mom wasn't there anymore, but the book she got her wisdom from still was.

Still. I never felt so broken inside. I have a chance to be with the man of my life and I'm turning it down.

"I... I'll miss you a lot, Ricky." I mumble, finally looking at him about to leave.

I stand up and brush the dirt off my clothes. Ricky is still facing the door.

"I love you, don't ever doubt about it." I continue. It's getting harder to hold back the tears. I sniff and slowly reach for his hand. He jumps a little at the contact and turns around. He pulls me into a bear hug just in time to muffle my sobs in his embrace. I hold on to him like he's an oxygen bottle.

"I love you too Jackie." he murmurs. "One day we'll be together, princess. Dieu réunit ceux qui s'aiment."
"You really think so?"
"Let's trust Edith Piaf on this one."

He cups my face in his hands, running his thumb on my wet cheeks, my lips, my eyelids, my jaw, my neck, my colarbone, memorizing every single feature on my face. I don't do the same, touching him would only result in me kissing him, and we wouldn't be able to leave each other after that. I simply focus on his gorgeous cerulean eyes, still beautiful despite being clouded with sadness.

At last, we let go of each other and silently stare.
"I'll see you around." I finally break the silence.

He smiles and walks out my room, closing the door behind us.