The Tomlinsons | l.s. AU

Chapter 9

"Harry, is everything okay with you? You've been awfully quiet for the last couple of weeks. If there is anything bothering you, you know you can always come to me, yeah?" My mum came to me when I came through the front door. It's true. Ever since I stayed over at Louis and Ivy's for the first time, I felt like I needed to stay quiet. In the way, I wanted to let my feelings be unheard of, because maybe if I don't say it out loud, they aren't true. I tried to push them aside, I didn't do anything about them, I just kept enjoying the time I got to spend with the babies, Ivy and Louis. I kept silent for my sake.

"Yeah, everything is great, just a bit busy, is all. I'm also a bit nervous about the poetry competition." I said, stopping and leaning in for a hug. We hugged and she gave me a kiss on my cheek. It was true, what I said. I was really nervous about the competition. The poem I wrote, was one of the most vulnerable I ever wrote in my life. I don't even know why I wrote it and how it got inside my head. But it was also beautiful. "How have you been, mum?" I asked. Only now I realised just how much I missed her. I always went to her when I didn't know what to do or when I had a bad day, but now I felt like I can't tell anyone how I felt.

"I have been okay. I just hate to see you sad or confused. You know, I always feel what you feel. When do you get the results? We all believe you're going to win though! Your poem is so beautiful. I feel like it's one of the best ones you ever wrote, to be honest. I wonder how you came up with it." She smiled reassuringly at me and I smiled back. I felt that, too. I loved the poem so much. But the person I was thinking about when writing it, was not the right one. It scared me, my feelings. They were so real and intense and even though I tried to put them aside, not think about them, but it didn't work every time. Some nights I stayed up late, thinking about him, how it would feel to fall asleep next to him, how it would feel, to be able to hug him, touch his hair or just be carefree with him. Then I cried myself to sleep, because this will never happen and if it did, it would be wrong.

"The results will be on tomorrow. Mum, I actually have some homework to do before I go over to Ivy's. I'll be home earlier than usual because they are both staying in, so I can cook dinner if that's okay with you guys. We can maybe watch a movie in the evening or something?" I said, quietly hoping they would both be up for it. I missed spending time with them.

"Of course. I will talk to dad and we'll choose the movie. Is that okay for you?" She caressed my cheek lightly and I smiled at her once again, agreeing. I hugged her again before I went to my bedroom. I put the schoolbag down and took the books out. I opened my English book and looked again through the Essay. I got it back today, as the teacher wanted to keep it for a little longer. She said it was one of the most heartfelt essays she ever read and I don't know how I felt about that. The essay made me sad every time I read it. The teacher said it was special, that it had something different than the others. It had something real. She asked me to stay after class the day she was giving them back.

"I just want you to know I am here if you even need anything. A talk, a hug, anything. I know how it is to love someone you can't have, believe it or not." She smiled with sad eyes and I tried to smile back. "Thank you. I don't want to talk about it, to be honest." I answered and she just nodded.

I felt like she tried to keep an eye on my ever since. But in a cool way. She wasn't intrusive, she didn't try to talk to me about it, and she just let it be. Which was exactly what I needed. Someone to know and be there, but someone who gave me time to process this first. I read the essay once again, put it back in the book and opened the page where homework was waiting for me. It wasn't a lot. I had it finished quickly and then put everything where it belonged. I stood up and went to my dresser. I changed into black skinny jeans and pink T-shirt. I put on some mascara and lip gloss. The time at home and at Ivy's was my time to shine. To be who I am and luckily the babies loved my make-up. At least they couldn't say anything and that is how they know me, but I would like to think they won't grow up to be homophobic or bullies. They will hopefully be the ones who are positive and happy. Hopefully.