The Tomlinsons | l.s. AU

Chapter 15

"Hallo Leute. Heute schreiben wir den letzten Test. Hier ist es und ihr habt 20 Minuten." Professor Payne said. I took the test and turned it around. I couldn't concentrate, though. I tried to only focus on the test, but my mind always went back to that faithful day. The day that changed everything, the day that healed and broke me at the same time. The day that I held the man I loved the most in my arms for longer than anyone else ever before. And then only, did I realise what having a body on fire really meant.

"C'mon, focus, Harry." Niall nudged me, but not visibly enough for the professor to notice. I looked at the paper and thankfully I really saw it this time. I started writing and tried to put my thoughts aside. It was an easy one, the test, thankfully. In the last two months, ever since the faithful night, my grades dropped a bit. But thankfully not enough that they would affect my final grade. I was still the best student in the class and the teachers still loved me the most. We were studying so many interesting things, and sometimes when we were learning something interesting, I forgot about Louis and all the problems I had.

"Also, die 20 Minuten sind fertig. Bitte, gebt mir die Tests." He said and everyone stood up. After that I lost myself again. I took my phone out, which I never would have done nine months ago, and started scrolling. I was reading the messages from the day after. I remembered the feeling I had and I got anxious. I was so scared that I fucked everything up and that I won't be allowed to go there anymore. I was scared that someone saw us or that it would somehow get out. I wanted to eat myself alive. I didn't know what was going on in Louis' mind as well. Did I fuck it up so much, that he could never ever forgive me again? But I still felt the way his hands touched me, with so much respect and love. And I realized, I and only me, was responsible for everything that went down that night.

I was the one who got him in the mess even though I knew it would hurt. I was the one who kept going on and on about my feelings, even though I knew we could never do anything about it.

But I didn't regret it. I needed to know how he feels about me. That night, after he brought me safe to my bed and kissed my forehead, I slept like a baby. I was drunk, my face was so puffy from all the crying, but I was content. I was also confused and scared. But I slept like a baby, because he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead. That was all I needed.

'Please don't hate yourself in the morning.' That was what I woke up to. A message from him. I didn't understand it right away, but then memories came flashing back. And he knew exactly how I would feel and that made me sad. Because he always knew just what I needed and what I felt and I couldn't have him. I started thinking about the words I told him and the message I sent him before he came to get me and it haunted me. I couldn't believe I was so careless about it all. What if Ivy saw that message? What if he just told me to fuck off, or if he saw it in the morning and he'd be just confused? I was so stupid and even though I was drunk, I couldn't blame it on alcohol.

I didn't message him back. I wanted to hide myself in the closet and never come out. But I had to eventually. In the last two months since that happened, I spent just as much time with them as I usually did. Everything was normal. I still spent time with the babies and him and also Ivy, but everything was also so different. Everything was so much more intense with us and every time we were alone, he looked at me with sadness in his eyes. I tried to keep it together. For him and for me, both. I already messed it up by confessing, I really didn't want to make it all harder for him.

We stopped touching. I know, if we kept touching in anyway, I couldn't contain myself. I couldn't keep my lips off his, like I did until now, and I couldn't keep my hands off his body. If I don't touch him, then I can convince myself I don't need him anymore. I can convince myself, I never needed him. Which, right now, doesn't make any sense to me. I feel like I'll always need him and he's the only one who makes me happy. I know, I don't want to live a life without him.