The Tomlinsons | l.s. AU

Chapter 16

Please, please, please, vote and comment! I love them so much! And please read the writer's note at the end! xx

It's been two months since our kiss. And to say I haven't thought about it every day and night would be a lie. It would also be a lie if I said everything was okay. Everything was a mess ever since that faithful day. We kissed, and we both loved it, but we still couldn't be happy with it. There were people out there that would be devastated by these news. They would be devastated if they knew what we did and how much we loved it. So we kept everything to ourselves.

I still remember the words he said after the kiss. 'I'm sorry.' I didn't understand what he was sorry for at the time, but I definitely do now. He was sorry that we took a step forward, just big enough, that we both wanted more. But it wasn't the right step.

I started avoiding him, stopped hugging him and tried to spend as little time as possible at theirs. Every time I met Ivy, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart and I wondered if that is something she would feel if she knew how we betrayed her. I wondered what she would do, if she knew. And I wondered what I would do if I was in her position.

But I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. How our lips melted together so perfectly, how we knew exactly what we had to do, which way to move and how to kiss each other. How his hands held my body and how my hands got to know his body. The minute we kissed I knew, there will be no one else in my life that could make me feel like he did. I couldn't stop thinking about his words that he whispered to me when he put his forehead on mine. How he looked at me with so much love in his eyes and how he held me, scared that I might run away.

I still remember how he made me feel and how he tasted. I loved it, but I kind of hated it, too. I wanted to get to know it all over again, but we couldn't do it. We couldn't hurt everyone like that, that would be so selfish. We already overstepped the boundaries once too many times.

The school was slowly coming to an end and we were just in the middle of the exams. I spent time with Niall and our friendship got even tighter. I didn't tell him anything about the kiss, though. I never want to tell anyone. But we still talked about Louis. He knew how much I cared for him and how much I craved his presence. At least he knew that. Even if he was wondering why I stopped going there so much, he didn't ask. He knew I didn't want to talk about it and I was grateful for that.

"You know, if you keep staring any longer, there will probably be a hole in the wall." Niall tried to make me laugh, but I couldn't. We were sitting at lunch and I barely touched it. I looked at him with a blank expression on my face and he stopped talking. "What's wrong, mate?" He asked, suddenly concerned.

"Nothing, I'm just tired." I was tired. I haven't slept properly in a while and I was so sick and tired of all my feelings and hiding. I was so tired of lying to everyone and of writing all these sad songs. I hated all of it, I just wanted it to be easy, to be able to be with him.

"You're tired? You're not sleeping okay?" Niall asked and I just shook my head. Luckily, he got it and left it at that. He got back to eating his lunch and I got back to playing with my food and staring at the wall. I wasn't hungry. I was never hungry these days, but I knew I had to eat something every once in a while. I tried to eat at least something. "You're not going to eat this?" Niall asked and when I shook my head, he took the plate and ate everything. I had to smile at him. I loved him so much, sometimes I wish I loved him like I love Louis. It would be easier knowing I can't have the person because they aren't attracted to the same gender, than knowing they feel the same, but can't be with me. I hated thinking about that. It made me too emotional and I still had two more classes for the day.

Soon the bell rang and we made our way to English room. Ms. Rexha was waiting for all of us and I tried to smile at her. I liked her and we got closer ever since I won the competition. She was my safe person at school. Maybe even a free therapist. Every time I had a bad day and Niall wasn't there, I went to her. We ate lunch together and we talked. She made me feel safe, because she never pressured me into talking. She waited for me to start if I wanted to, and I appreciated that so much.