The Covington Boys (Slow Updates)

Imploding Misery

It's raining. Of course it's raining. Why wouldn't it be gloomy, dark and pouring rain on the day that the boys are to hold the ceremony that sends Ms. Caroline back to nature.

Why wouldn't the sky open up, joining in on the heartache and misery that everyone has been engulfed in since the day she was taken from us. The day she took herself from us, the day she gave up fighting.

"Mia..." Becca's soft voiced called out from my doorway, breaking though my grief-stricken, jam-packed brain, pulling me back into the present.

"Yeah." Mumbling my barely coherent response, never taking my eyes off the droplets of rain that were trailing down my window.

"You ready?" breathing out the question with concern as she took a few tentative steps into my room.

"No... I'm not." Whispering as the all too familiar choking feeling constricted my throat and a fresh round of tears stung my eyes, blurring my vision. "I'll never be ready." Sniffling back my sobs as I struggled to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't even here for her when she gave up.

That I was so wrapped up in my own drama with the boys and Zack that I didn't think that she would need me. That once again, I lost a mother, someone who held me when I was upset or cried and who's very presence was all the comfort I really need to wash away my concerns.

Unbearable pain shot across my heart at all the time that I had already lost over the last seven years without her and now she was gone forever. Now I would never get that kind of kindness, love or connection back.

Guilt gripped at my heart, as agony churned away in the pit of my stomach, because even though I told her I forgave her for sending me away, for keeping me from Dante and Dimitri for all those years, a part of me hadn't, a part of me still held on to all that pain and misery and anger that overwhelmed me for that last seven years. And now even with her death, I still couldn't bring myself to fully forgive her.

"I know... I do... but you have to be there... your part of the ceremony." Reasoning with me on why I had to attend. "You're going to be the future Luna to this pack."

"I still don't get that? How am I this Luna person...?" wiping the tears from my tear stained cheeks as I shook my head in confusion, I never got an explanation on how I become this Luna.

How does this all work? How could I possible replace someone as charming, kind and sophisticated as Ms. Caroline? How do I learn to make the hard decisions like tearing her sons mate away from them and sending her far away, keeping her concealed for years, because she believed it was what was best? How can I take over the role of being someone they seemed to hold at such a high standing, with so much love and respect?

"I think that Dante and Dimitri should be the ones to give you the full explanation on that." She insisted uncomfortably as she shuffled her feet uneasily, avoiding making direct eye contact with me.

"Neither one of them... has spoken to me in... days. Not since Ms....." Gasping I choked back on her name, I haven't been able to say it out loud since she left us. "They hate me." mumbling out the thought that has been torturing my every waking moment that wasn't filled with guilt and misery, since they took their mother's lifeless body from the house without a single glance or acknowledgment toward me.

"No..., They could never hate you." She vowed, crossing the room to pull me into a reassuring hug. "This... is just... a really shitty situation." Whispering as she tightened her already vise like hold.

"I know it is... but come on Becca... the day they find out that I was going to sneak off and go see Zack and try to make sense or come to terms with the intense situation I'm in with this... new world..., I blurt out... brutally confessing that I'm actually terrified of them." Sighing I hang my head as more tears sting my eyes. "All of that cringing information is thrown at them... the same... the same day they lose their mother." My voice cracked as my body heaved with uncontrollable sobs. "I-I can't... I'm not good enough for them... I don't deserve them." Confessing my true apprehension about being involved with the boys.