Life I Left Behind (A Daryl Dixon Story)

Chapter Thirty-Two

"I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be fightin' so damn hard to get IN to prison." T-Dog said, shaking his head.

"Me either. This end of the world thing kinda sucks, huh?" I answered, giving him a half smile. I wiped my damp palms against my grimy jeans. In just a few minutes we'd be going inside the actual cellblock in an attempt to clear it out. The thought of being trapped inside the dismal concrete structure with who knew how many walkers made me feel like puking. I refused to back out, though, no matter how many times my stomach turned.

"You ready?" Daryl asked quietly, coming up next to me. His crossbow was strapped to his back, a long bloodstained hunting knife in his hand instead.

I nodded. "Don't worry about me, Dixon. Worry about your own ass." I said, hoping he didn't notice the slight shake to my voice.

One side of his mouth lifted in a tiny, barely noticeable smirk. "Well, ain't you all damn cocky."

Before I could come up with a clever comeback, Rick had called us all over to the gate. Maggie, Glenn, Rick, Daryl, T-Dog and I would be going inside. Everyone else was supposed to serve as yet another distraction, so we weren't the only thing the walkers were focused on.

"We make this as quick and painless as possible." Rick was saying as I approached, slowing to a stop between Daryl and Maggie. "Remember what we talked about. Use your knives, don't waste ammo. And do not break rank. We clear?" Everyone nodded, though not a word was said. "Alright then." Rick answered. He turned to the gate and slide it open before quickly stepping inside while the rest of us filed out silently behind him. A second later, Lori was chaining it shut.

I stabbed my knife into the head of a walker, taking it down instantly before moving onto the next one. We moved as a pack, careful to never turn our backs in case one of the biters snuck up. I was surprised at how well we worked together. As we moved further into the compound, though, the cried and moans of walkers grew louder. Rick peered around a corner and instantly pressed back against the wall. The rest of us followed suit. A minute later, though, walkers came around the corner, dressed head to toe in full riot gear.

"Oh shit." The words fell from my mouth before I could stop them. One came barreling towards me and I threw my hands out on front of me, shoving it backwards. It stumbled a few steps and came out me again, its yellow stained teeth scraping against the clear visor of the helmet as it tried to take a piece out of me. I grasped at the front of the helmet with one hand, trying to hold it back. Finally, I managed to maneuver my knife enough underneath the visor to jam it into the bottom part of its skull. I didn't stop to catch my breath as the next one came at me.

Blood caked my t-shirt and my hair stuck to my forehead with sweat by the time every walker was on the ground, unmoving. I felt myself instantly looking around me, making sure everyone was okay and still on their feet. I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized we had all made it. I didn't have long to enjoy that feeling, though, before we were moving inside.

Thankfully, the cellblock we had chosen was pretty much deserted aside from two or three walkers still stuck inside their cells. 'Poor bastards', I couldn't help but think. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like trapped in a cage for the past couple of months, slowly withering away and wondering what the hell was happening on the outside. It sent chills up my spine. I tried not to think about it was we moved everyone inside.

"Well? Not too bad, huh?" Rick was saying. He was smiling a little, clearly happy with our current arrangements.

"Home sweet home!" I heard Glenn chime in from somewhere down the corridor.

I smiled, not feeling any disagreement. Finding this place had been our first stroke of luck in a long time. It still didn't stop me from being creeped out, though, as I tried to choose a cell that was supposed to serve as my 'bedroom'. I made a face as I noticed a dried, crusty bloodstain on the mattress of one I peeked my head inside. It reeked like death. I moved past it, finally choosing to go up the stairs and finding one that looked almost untouched aside from a few pieces of trash and other harmless debris littering the ground.

I dropped down on the bed, suddenly feeling exhausted. I leaned back against the wall, letting out a groan. I noticed a poster of a woman in a bikini on the wall opposite the bed. I snorted with laughter. "Charming." I muttered. I didn't have the energy to take it down, though.

"Nice decorations." A voice drawled from the doorway. My stomach suddenly clenched in an all too familiar way that seemed to only happen when Daryl was around.

I rolled my eyes, sitting up to look at the lanky redneck leaning against the doorway. "Oh, shut the hell up." I retorted, although my lips were curving upwards into a smile. "I'm trying to ignore it and not think about the sex offender that used to live in here. You want it? She looks like your type."

"I ain't got a type." Daryl snorted. He walked further into the cell, examining the concrete walls and rickety metal bunk bed. I tried to ignore the growing fluttering sensation inside me as I watched him, my eyes lingering a little too long on the way his hair curled over the collar of his shirt and the lean muscles of his arms. I felt blush creeping into my cheeks and looked down at the floor as I regained my composure. There was definitely something wrong with me. "I can't believe ya'll are alright sleepin' in a god damn cage."

I raised an eyebrow, looking back up at him. "Where are you gonna sleep then?"

"I'm gonna take the perch at the end of the hall." He said, nodding in the direction of the small guard's room by where we had come in.

"Rick told me there was a dead guard in there. So enjoy that." I said teasingly with a small grin. "Anyways, this isn't a cage anymore. It's just a room."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Call it whatever the hell ya' want, I still ain't sleepin' in a damn prison cell."

"There's a bed in here. So this is where I'm sleeping." I answered simply, shrugging my shoulders. I held back a yawn, trying to ignore the fact that I felt sleep edging towards me.

Daryl must have noticed. "Rest while ya' can. Rick wants you to take over watch for Glenn in a few hours."

I nodded. "Thanks."

He lingered in the doorway and though I kept waiting for the feeling in my stomach to subside, it didn't. I was once again struck by how much I had missed him. I seemed to remember it now, better than ever, when he was right in front of me. It was like I was being forced to face head on what I had missed out on for all those years. Except now I had it back. Only it didn't feel like it would ever be enough to subside the ache I suddenly felt when I looked at him.

"Goodnight, Charlie." He finally said quietly before disappearing into the hall. I listened as his footsteps faded away before laying back onto the bed, curling up onto my side. I stared at the wall, sorting through my thoughts and trying to convince myself that I was wrong. That it all just a figment of my imagination. How in the hell else was I supposed to rationalize that Daryl Dixon was making me feel butterflies whenever I looked at him? I rolled onto my back and pressed my palms into my eyes. It felt like it could possibly be the worst thing that could be happening right now. We were finally on our way to what felt like a friendship and I was going to ruin it by whatever this was. I sighed, lowering my hands and staring into the bottom of the bunk over top of me. Best case scenario, I get over it. Worst case scenario I'm forced to spend the rest of my life, however long it maybe be, getting butterflies over someone who ten years ago had wanted nothing to do with me.

'What is wrong with me?' The thought crossed my mind again. Of all the things to be worrying about, of all the life and death situations I had been met with today and would meet every single day from here on out, this is what I was choosing to lose sleep over. It felt silly and ridiculous and I couldn't even remember the last time I had felt so incredibly stupid. I forced my eyes shut and after a few quiet minutes, I felt sleep hovering over me. Suddenly too exhausted to think, I let myself drift off.

I felt like my eyes had just closed when I was suddenly being shaken awake. My first reaction was that something was wrong. My eyes shot open as a jolt of alarm suddenly coursed through my body and I groped clumsily around the bed for my baseball bat.

"Charlie! Chill out, it's just me!" I heard Glenn's familiar voice hiss from somewhere next to the bed.

My shoulders sagged in relief and I sank back down onto the mattress. "Jesus, Glenn. You scared the shit out of me. Don't do that!" I said crossly.

"Sorry! I did try to nicely wake you up, but it didn't work…I just came to get you to switch watch with me. It's been a couple of hours." He said.

I blinked as my eyes adjusted to the darkness and finally made out his figure crouched on the concrete floor near the bed. I groaned loudly. "Already? I feel like I didn't even sleep at all."

"Really? Because I could hear you snoring from, like, five cells down." Glenn snickered. I shot out my fist and punched him in the shoulder. "Ouch!" He hissed.

"I don't snore." I muttered. I pulled myself into a sitting position, my neck aching slightly from the angle I had slept on. I ran a hand through my tangled hair before swinging my legs over the side of the bed and standing up. "Go get some sleep, I got this." I assured him.

"Here." I felt him press a flashlight into my hand. "It's pretty dark out in the corridor. Try not to trip." He said before leaving the room. I clicked on the light and followed behind him, our footsteps echoing loudly off the walls. We walked together until we reached the bottom of the staircase, where I bid Glenn goodnight as he headed off towards his own cell and I quietly disappeared out into the cool night.

The moon was huge and hung low in the middle of the sky, stars scattered around it. I found I could see perfectly with the natural light and turned off the flashlight to conserve the batteries. There was a metal folding chair placed against the wall next to the door. I dropped down into it, stretching my legs out in front of me. My gun dug uncomfortably into my hip, reminding me it was there. I readjusted the holster until I felt nothing beside the heaviness of it hanging off my belt. I sat still for a long moment, just listening. It was quiet again, which made me think about how I wouldn't hear the sounds of busy rush hour traffic or early morning construction most likely ever again. No car alarms or trains. Just silence.

I let out a sigh. The alertness I felt after Glenn woke me was slowly fading away and my eyelids started to feel heavy again. I bounced my leg up and down, hoping that if at least one part of me was constantly moving I'd have a better change of staying away. The cell block door suddenly let out a slow creak as it swung open. I froze as someone peered around the door, stopping when they saw me seated only a few steps away.

"Carol?" I asked, finally recognizing the older woman as she stepped outside. "What are you doing up?"

"I thought that was you I heard with Glenn. I don't think I've slept at all tonight. I think Daryl was right. I feel like I'm sleeping in a big cage." She said, coming towards me. I watched as she sank down to the ground, leaning back against the wall.

"It's not so bad. Or maybe I was just tired and passed right out." I said. "But then again, I did live in a college dorm room for two years which was roughly the size of these cells."

Carol let out a laugh. "I bet your room didn't have a big heavy metal door with bars, though."

I grinned. "No, but maybe it should have. It probably would have stopped me from making so many stupid decision."

"I highly doubt that." She said with another chuckle. "You seem far too sweet to have been on of those wild college kids."

I shrugged. "I wasn't really…I had my moments though." I smirked a little, recalling the bittersweet memories from the back of my mind. "I was too busy studying to get too crazy."

"You were a teacher, weren't you? Lori was tellin' me." Carol asked.

"I was. Best job in the entire world." I answered quietly. "Definitely the most underappreciated, but there's nothing really like standing in front of a room of thirty kids, knowing that they're all relying on you."

"My Sophia loved school. I never had to fight with her about getting up and going in the morning." Carol said fondly.

I had never heard her talk about her daughter before and felt a pang of sadness. There was absolutely nothing I knew of that could compare to losing a child. It seemed so completely unfair, even in a world like this. "What was she like?" I asked carefully, not sure if I was crossing any boundaries or not.

Carol was quiet for a moment before answering. "She was bright. Her teachers always told me she was so smart. And she was kind and sweet. A little quiet, but bring up dolls or books and you could get her talkin'…she was my life."

I felt the heaviness of her words weighing on my heart and placed a hand on Carol's shoulder. "I'm so sorry you lost her." I said quietly. "And I'm sorry I never got the chance to meet her."

"She would have liked you. I know she would have. She used to tell me all the time she wanted to be a teacher when she grew up." Carol placed her hand on top of mine and gave it a squeeze before letting it fall back into her lap. I withdrew my hand from her shoulder as I thought about the little girl that had meant the world to the woman sitting next to me. She had to be so strong to continue to go on every single day, missing such an important piece of herself. I allowed my thoughts to wander to Gabe for a moment. I missed him so incredibly much. I wish he could have been there with me. He would have been good for the others, with his effortless ability to make any situation seem like it would be alright. I missed that so much, that confidence and unwavering faith he had that I never did.

"Can I ask you a question?" Carol asked suddenly, interrupting my train of thought.

"Yeah, of course."

"Ever since you should up on the farm that day, I've been wonderin'. What the heck was Daryl like as a child? Because I just can't imagine that in my head."

I let out a laugh. "Yeah, I can see how it would be hard to imagine him as a kid." I filed through the memories in my head, each one bringing a smile to my face. "He was like most kids, I guess. Just more Daryl-ish. He taught me everything from how to cuss to how to drive a car." I said. "We used to get into all sorts of trouble together. We really were best friends."

"He's important to you. I can hear it in your voice." Carol said. "And I know just by the way he acts when you two are in a room together that he cares about you more than he'd probably like to admit."

I snorted with laughter. "I dunno about that. Maybe he used to, but I don't think so anymore. There's a whole nother story behind that, though."

"Oh come on, Charlie. You can't tell me you don't notice the way he's always hanging around and getting all defensive about you doing anything that might get you into trouble. He cares about you. Even if he has a hard time really showin' it."

For a brief second, I thought about the time he had gotten so angry with me at the farm for saving Beth and Lori, and about how he carried me out of the field when Dale died. And about the other night when he and I sat in the prison yard together and talked about what it had been like when we were kids. I wondered if Carol was right…or maybe I was just hoping way too much that she was. I shook my head. "I don't know, Carol. He's a hard person to read. There's just too much dirt between us. I mean, the reason we stopped being friends was because he wanted me out of his life. If he cares about me, still, then why the hell did he do that?"

I saw Carol shrug. "That's something you'll have to ask him. But sometimes people have other motives aside from the ones they put out there."

"If you would have been there to hear the things he said to me that night, I don't know if you'd be thinkin' that way." I shook my head.

"The only way to clear the air for good between the two of you is to ask him. The history between you two runs so deep that I don't think even ten years of silence could cover it up. You care about him, don't you?"

I shifted uncomfortable, recalling the butterflies I felt whenever I found myself around him. "I guess…I don't know." I answered lamely.

Carol laughed quietly. "Look, you don't have to listen to my advice. You don't have to listen to a word I say. What do I know about anything? I'm just saying…it's a damn shame to let something that happened a decade ago cause a rift with someone who clearly was so damn important to you."

I didn't say anything, instead letting the quiet settle in between the words of our conversation. Somewhere, very deep inside, a piece of me felt like there was a whole lot of truth behind what Carol was saying. All of the best memories I had from my childhood had Daryl in them. There was a reason I couldn't let go of those for all these years. For Christ sake it had taken a full on zombie apocalypse to even force us together again. Maybe it was an insult to our childhood to go on acting the way we had been. I didn't know. What I did know, though, that getting Daryl to talk about anything was like pulling teeth. It had been the way for as long as I knew him and I highly doubted that had changed dramatically. I thought back to when I was eighteen years old and standing at end of his driveway, his words biting and stinging in the worst way. Maybe there was something I had missed, like Carol suggested. That he had been trying to tell me something somewhere along the way and I had missed it. I had spent the past ten years not knowing. Maybe it was time to change that.