"D..D...Dad. I'm gonna be a dad?"
I nod my head and a huge smile breaks out across his face. I have never seen him smile so big and to know I helped put it there melts my heart. Suddenly the need to kiss him is so intense I can't control myself. My lips hit his so hard he falls to his back. My tongue brushes his lips begging for entrance and shoves into his mouth at the first chance. We make out like this for a while with me unbuttoning his shirt needing to feel his chest.
Before I realize what's happening Blake is pushing me back stopping my hands. I give him a questioning look trying to hide the hurt and rejection I'm feeling. I found myself falling into that deep hole dug by Gavin. When I was pregnant with our boys he wouldn't touch me. He said he couldn't have sex with someone so big. He said I needed to wait to the baby was born and I could work off some of the extra weight.
I feel Blake's thumbs wiping the tears, that are now falling ,off my cheeks. He pulls me into his chest and as much as I want to pull away and hide I can't I need his warmth.
"Gwen, I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you by pulling away I just didn't think I could stop if we kept at it any longer."
"Are you not gonna touch me because I'm big either?"
"Big? You mean u think I'm not gonna have sex with you because your pregnant? Is that what he said to you?"
I was sobbing now. The insecurities brought on by my ex were once again being pulled to the surface. I buried my head as far as I could into his chest, wishing I could escape. This was supposed to be a happy time and here I am a blubbering mess.
"Gwen, please stop crying baby. Let me explain!"
He pulls me away from his chest and grabs my face, forcing me to look him in the eye. Now I see the tears in his eyes; the pain, the anger, the concern.
"Gwen, me pulling away had nothing to do with not wanting you. Believe me I want you! I just want to cherish this moment. We are having a baby!"
I force a smile on my face knowing that what he is saying is true. He isn't rejecting me he is in aww of me. I'm giving him the thing his ex wouldn't and that he has wanted for as long as he can remember. As the tears dry and the excitement is rekindled, I feel the love radiating from him.
"Blake?"
"Yeah sunshine?"
" I love you and I'm sorry my emotions are crazy. Thanks for not bailing because these insecurities aren't gonna disappear but I'm trying, I really am."
"Gwen you need to know that I understand, I have them too. You also need to know that I'm not going anywhere! Ever! You, the boys, and now our growing baby are my world! I'm never going anywhere!"
...............................................................................................................................................
After that we laid in bed awhile holding each other, his hand wrapped around my waist protectively holding my stomach and the barely there baby bump. We both fell asleep like this. It was one of the most peaceful nights of sleep!
Waking up, before even opening my eye, I feel Blake's hand still holding my stomach as a huge smile covers my face. There to breakup the bliss is that all to familiar feeling. I bolt from the bed to the bathroom. Next thing I know my cowboy is lifting me into his lap holding my hair back for me. As I finish and feel the nausea die down a bit. I look at him with nothing but love and desire.
" you just threw your guts up but you instantly look like you gonna jump me! What the heck sunshine? I know pregnant women can have mood swings but damn that was fast!"
I throw my head back and laugh. I laugh because of how fun this is gonna be for him learning the ins and outs of having a pregnant woman around. I laugh because a year ago I thought death was eminent, but now I have the best cowboy holding me and my hair while I empty myself because I'm have his baby. I laugh at how totally insane this is. I laugh because I wouldn't want it any other way!
I lightly kiss him which he returns and even deepens. Tongues begin their battle teeth nashing, all of this is brought to a sudden and all to soon end when we hear...
"Blake are you in here? Are you awake? Apollo is crying and I'm hungry." We hear Zuma say at the door.
"I'm in here buddy. I'll be..."
Before he can finish his sentence there is a little blonde boy bounding into us. I instinctively protect my little secret and Blake catches him before he hits us.
"Wow little man. Be careful you don't want to hurt....."
My heart sinks we didn't talk about telling the kids yet. I don't know if this is the best way to tell him. Panic runs through me and Blake sees it.
"....your mom." He finishes
And so our morning begins. I realize just how great my life is and all I can do is smile!
