Todd and Jen brought the boys over about an hour ago. The all were sent up stairs for showers while I was cooking dinner. Blake had gone a little over board putting a bassinet in every room but right now I was grateful for it. I could watch my sweet Addie sleeping while I got dinner ready for the rest of us. Blake was taking care of Apollo's shower time. He wouldn't let anyone but Blake help him. He screamed bloody murder when King tried to take him upstairs. So Blake relented and said he would handle it while I cook dinner. We all sit down for dinner with Addie still asleep in her bassinet. The boys are talking 90 miles an hour about school and what they did at uncle Todd's house. When all of the sudden Apollo screams and starts crying. My motherly instinct kicks in and I pick him up holding him to my chest and rocking him. Of course this commotion wakes Addie up, who is ready to eat. So I hand Apollo off to Blake to take care of and I take Addie to the nursery to feed her. This is my favorite part of a new baby. The bond between mother and baby while breastfeeding is like nothing else in the world. I had forgotten this with Apollo. He is growing up so fast it makes me sad.
Addie and I head back down stair and find the boys picking out a movie. Apollo is clinging to Blake like his life depends on it. We all settle into the couch to watch the movie before bed. Blake motions to me that he wants Addie so I place her on his shoulder. Apollo scrambles into my lap clinging to my shirt. We all sit as a family watching the movie. I find myself getting emotional. My whole family together and it finally feels right and complete. A man who loves me, three boys, and my baby girl. At this moment I thank God for everything I went though to get to this. The boys are with their dad for the next four days so I want to enjoy this family time as much as I possibly can.
"Mom" King looks up at me as the movie ends
"Yeah bubbly? What's up?"
"Do I have to go to dads tomorrow? I promised Addie I would hold her as much as she want and I don't want to leave her. We all just came home."
"Buddy I'm sorry you have to deal with split home but it's your time with your dad and you need your dad in your life."
"But we have Blake. He took dads place for you. Why can't he be our dad now?" Zuma innocently
"Babys Blake and are more than happy you love Blake so much and have accepted him into our family, but Blake will never replace your dad. Your dad wasn't the right man for me anymore but that doesn't mean he isn't good for you. He will always be your dad and I want you to have a relationship with him." Choking tears back as it breaks my heart that they are living with divorced parents. I feel like a failure.
My thoughts spiral. I would never want to be in that place again but it's moments like these that make me feel guilty. Like I should have fought harder. Like I should have been a better wife made him want me more. I'm brought out of my thoughts by Blake's voice....
"Boys head upstairs and get ready for bed please!" Blake asks
And for the first time tonight Apollo takes King's hand and went up to get ready for bed. Blake places Addie in her bassinet and walks over to where I'm pacing. He grabs my hips and turns me to him. He doesn't talk but he pulls me into his embrace and I break. Sobs escape my body as I completely fall apart. Addie begins to cry and I pull away, but Blake pulls me into him closer.
"Blake Add..."
"Shhh she is ok for a minute. Gwen I saw you break with that question. You can't ignore yourself...... you didn't fail Gwen. It's not your fault that your husband couldn't see what was right in front of him. An angel a living breathing angel! What we can do is make sure those boys know that we love them unconditionally and that no matter where they are or what they have done we will be there for them. I love you sunshine!"
