For the Insecurity (MakoHaru AU)

Chapter 11- 9.19.15

"Where were you?" Haru's aunt asked, concerned.

Haru shrugged. "I'm thirsty."

"The drinks are over there," His aunt gestured. "I was looking everywhere for you!"

"I got lost in the crowd."

Haru's aunt shook her head in dismay. "You need to bring your phone next time. I was about to call your mom that I lost you."

"I can take care of myself."

Before his aunt could say anything, Haru brushed past her and filled a plastic red cup full of soda. He plopped himself on a sofa, away from the older party guests.

A few minutes later, he saw Makoto downstairs. Haru couldn't find the strength to confront the brunette, instead he watched him greet guests that came into the door. Not once did Makoto look in Haru's direction, or even show any signs of looking for him.

If only I didn't mention his two different sides... Haru thought to himself, squeezing his cup so tightly that the drink almost spilled. We could've made love to each other. I was also to persuade him to even go that far! But no,  I ruined it all.

Was I being too pushy?  No, I think I was fine. If I avoided talking about that subject overall we'd be having the time of our lives right now. Does Makoto hate me? No, that can't be true...

--

There was a small part in Makoto that wanted to kiss Haru before he left the party. Yet somehow Makoto had missed him, because the party had ended, yet he didn't see Haru once after what happened in the bedroom.

"It's late, deary," Mrs. Tachibana reminded.

"I'll go to sleep now," agreed Makoto, as he sheepishly trudged upstairs. 

When he reached his room, Makoto had a hard time opening the door. His hand wouldn't stop shaking, and he got immensely flustered. It seemed as if he was unable to grasp the doorknob tightly.

What is this stupid feeling? Makoto thought to himself, gritting his teeth as he kept trying to open the door. Don't tell me I'm getting flustered over Haruka...

Wait I'm at home I'm allowed to be grateful. But still, why am I getting flustered over him?     

"Makoto..." Ran mumbled, approaching her big brother. "Why aren't you asleep?"

"Aha," Makoto laughed nervously. "I just wasn't tired."

Ran yawned, rubbing her eyes. "Go to sleep."

Makoto's little sister opened his door, gesturing him to go into his room.

"If I hear another noise I'm telling mom," Ran warned.

"Okay," Makoto giggled. "Night Ran."

Makoto sighed, relieved that he was finally able to get to his bedroom. He waved goodbye as Ran closed the door behind her.  

The bed's a mess... Makoto thought, analyzing the sheets.  Oh yea, Haru was here.

Makoto laid down, trying to get some sleep. It still smells like him- mackerel.

Unknowingly, Makoto's thoughts had wandered to what happened a few hours ago. He couldn't help but to remember Haru's erotic face and his lewd moans.

What's this weird feeling? Makoto shivered, hiding in his blanket, hoping that he would soon forget about his raging erection. I can't possibly like a guy, right? Let alone Haru.

Besides, I've only known him for a few weeks. This is just stupid puppy love.

Makoto's lips quivered as he felt a fuzzy feeling inside him as he continued to replay what happened in his room.

What the hell? We didn't do anything! I just kissed him and molested... Molested him. Yea sure. See I hated Haru so much that I molested him.

Makoto slammed his fist. He couldn't lie to himself.

But why Haruka out of all people? Why not Sousuke? Why didn't I like him? What makes Haru so special? It's like he has me under his spell... Like he wants something out of me...

I knew it! Haru is no good. He's just better at manipulating me than other people, is all. I'm not letting him get the best of me.

Besides, even if Haru wasn't up to no good,  I can't be nice to him anyways. Not him, not anyone. Not after what happened in middle school.

But Haru is so irresistible, and I can't control myself! 

That's it. If I can't control myself, then I'll just avoid him overall. I'll ignore him every time he tries to talk to me. I don't need Haru.

I don't need anyone...

As soon as Makoto had said that to himself,  he felt something weird in his heart. Makoto clutched his chest, trying not to scream in agony. It was painful, but Makoto didn't know what it was.

Was it because I said that I didn't need anyone, even though I do? Makoto thought, rolling around his bed. Okay okay, maybe I do need people!

But the burning feeling wouldn't stop. Makoto finally passed out after a while. When he woke up the next morning, it was gone. The brunette brushed off the burning feeling, for he thought it was only a dream.

Makoto laid down on his bed and felt his chest. It didn't hurt anymore, but it was slightly sore.

I probably slept in a weird position, which explains the burning feeling I felt last night. Makoto assumed.

He refused to believe that the burning feeling was because of his front.  Matter of factly, that idea wasn't even considered. Even though Makoto knew that his front was slowly eating him inside out, he refused to change. He didn't know how to ease the pain.

Perhaps Haru was the key? Well, even if that was true, Makoto wouldn't believe it.

"I'm not letting this front I built myself get the best of me," Makoto said aloud.

"What was that dear?" Mrs. Tachibana asked, poking her head into her son's room.

"Mmm, nothing," Makoto shook his head and smiled, a smile covering the throbbing, burning feeling that has just came back.

--

...Hi hi, it's Saki! I bet most of you guys are confused about this 'burning' feeling of Makoto's, so let me clear it up for you:

It's because Makoto refuses to admit to himself that he needs Haru and other people. Since Makoto was always so friendly to everyone before the middle school incident, it pains him to hurt other people. Pretty much, Makoto's mind still hasn't adapted that he wanted to change. He's slowly tearing apart every good aspect of him so he could continue to act tough. When he said to himself (notice how in the beginning of the book he said that he 'did need people') that he didn't need anyone now, that was the last straw, the point where his mind couldn't handle that Makoto wanted to change that much.