One knock.
Walls Down.
Tears streaming.
Heated arguments.
Miss you.
It's her.
An abrupt knock brought me out of my complicated thoughts. Wondering what Maya and Lucas were doing sickened me. I tried not to think about it but the thought of them always resurfaced in my mind.
I walked over to my window rubbing my eyes at the sudden burst of light. The person that I expected at my window wasn't there. In fact, I didn't expect to see this person at all.
The window creaked a little as I opened it as I backed up to throw my jacket on. I was almost certain that Maya wouldn't appreciate her boyfriend seeing me in booty shorts and a bra, especially considering our history.
"Thanks for putting your jacket on." He mumbled avoiding eye contact. He looked at his shoes for a minute before looking up at my covered self. "Have you been crying?" He asked as I turned to my mirror.
Black clouded under my eyes and my lipstick was smeared. I tried to wipe it off with my hands but found it useless and turned back around.
"Yeah, yeah I have." I mumbled.
His eyes were sympathetic and his hands were trembling. I sat down next to him making sure that I didn't sit to close to him. As much as I wanted him to myself, I wouldn't want to ruin anything between him and Maya.
"What were you crying about?" He asked.
It took me a moment to gather my thoughts. I wasn't sure what answer to give him. Would I be blunt and say boy problems or just come out and tell him that he was my issue?
"I don't know, stuff." I answered brushing off his question.
I felt his fingers brush over my arm as I instinctively pulled my arm away. It was hard to look at him but as soon as I did I could read his emotions almost immediately.
He looked more hurt then he did angry and sad. I tried to put my arm back but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
"We use to be so close." He whispered sadly. I saw a tear start to form in his eye as he quickly wiped it. I stared at him as I tried to come up with words.
"Things are different now." I said trying to hint at what changed us.
Many things changed over the past year but the most prominent thing was Lucas. Our relationship went from being unbreakable to broken in a matter of a few words. The trust and safety net that we shared crumbled beneath me with the words of he chose my best friend over me.
I would never allow myself to be that selfish. He asked me if I was okay and telling him that I was almost broke me into pieces. How do you tell the love of your life that you are okay with him being with someone else, especially someone so close to me.
"It isn't a thing that came between us, it was a she that did." He corrected.
He wasn't wrong, Maya did come between us. It wasn't even her fault that it happened, it was just that the outcome of us liking the same guy also drove us apart. I could no longer tell her anything.
Maya always asked me if I wanted to go out with someone else from school. I guess that she thought that my feelings would magically disappear after he chose her. She was happy and I wasn't going to take that away from her.
"It's not her fault that you chose her." I fired back at him. I hated fighting with him but it was just to hard to stay silent.
"I thought that it was what you wanted!" He yelled.
I wasn't expecting him to be that furious or for him to say anything that he just said. How could he think that I wanted him to choose her?
"How could you think that?" I yelled back.
"You called me your brother." He retorted as I stood up.
"I was trying to make Maya happy, Lucas. I want her to have all the happiness in the world."
"Even if it means giving up your own?" He questioned as I stepped closer to him.
"I would die for Maya. If I would die for Maya wouldn't you think that I would give up all of my happiness for her?"
***
I tried to pull my shirt down to cover my stomach as I walked past my father. He didn't even look at me as I walked out the door.
My phone vibrated as I walked down the hallway. I looked down to see my dads contact name pop up on my screen.
Come home for dinner. If not make sure that you eat something. Love you, dad.
I smiled at his text while texting him back letting him know that I would be okay. After making sure I sent it, I made my way to Maya's house. I admired the building around me and captured a few photos on my phone.
The familiar building came into sight as I slowed my pace. I wanted to talk to Maya, no I was forcing myself to talk to Maya. As much as I love her it was hard to talk to her these days.
"Maya?" I questioned as I heard laughs coming from inside of her door. The door was cracked open as I pushed it open.
The sight I saw would scar me forever. The sight of the love of my life in a make out with my best friend turned my insides to outsides in seconds.
I pulled the door back making sure to be as quiet as possible so that they wouldn't hear me. Tears started to form in my eyes as I slumped down against the wall. My head was in my knees as I heard them laughing even louder.
It was hard for me not to go in there and expose them. The waves of jealousy overcame me and I hated it. I hated the feeling of wanting what others had.
Except that I didn't just want what she had, I needed it.
