she said
it was
a mistake
but was
it really?
After getting Parker ready and dropped off at school, I dragged myself to school. I considered just taking a day off but I figured that it wouldn't help my mom if I stayed home and missed out on my one shot of free education. Well, education isn't really free but that's a whole other topic.
I walked through the double doors of Abigail Adams and saw Riley by her locker alone. I waited a couple of minutes to see if she was waiting for anyone but she seemed to be distracted or thinking about something. I finally got the courage to go up and talk to her. Why was I so nervous? I was suppose to be getting over her, not falling for her again.
She was startled when I called her name. It took a few times plus a wave in front of her face to finally get her attention. Riley blinked a few times before her straight face turned into a smile.
"Anything that I can help you with, Lucas." She tried to tone down her smile. She went through about a million different faces before settling on the one that she first wore.
I chuckled a bit before speaking. "My brother said that you came by while wasn't home. He said something about you asking for me and that you would come back over the weekend. I was just wondering if it was anything important."
Riley looked a little confused. She twirled her hair around. It was something that she did when she was confused or nervous, sometimes even both. "You know what, maybe he was just kidding. You know how kids are. Speaking of kids, tell Auggie I said hello. I miss that little nut."
I turned around and started walking to my next class when I heard her call out my name. "Lucas!"
I turned around. "Yeah?"
"It was my dad. He asked me if I would go and check up on you. He said that you were acting strange and that you needed someone to be with you in this time of need?" Her statement sounded more like a question. "When I asked him what it was about he told me to ask you. That it wasn't his business to spread. So I decided to go over to your house. I saw your car pull out of the driveway in what looked like a hurry so I went inside to see if you were home and you weren't."
I nodded and she continued. "To be honest with you, I wasn't going to go to your house this weekend. I know that I told your brother that I would but I just thought that it would be weird given our history. I don't know, I guess that my dad thinks that he knows whats best for you."
"Well, he doesn't." I snapped. She flinched at my harshness.
I shut my eyes and opened them after a few seconds. It was something that the nurses at the hospital taught me to do. When my mom was first diagnosed I was mad at the whole world. They told me to close my eyes and picture my mom and I at our favorite vacation spot. They told me to imagine her as healthy as a horse and to keep that picture in my mind.
"I'm working on it- on this." I muttered. She reached out and grabbed my hand. This time it was me who flinched although she refused to let go of my hand.
"I know, I know." She sighed. I was squeezing onto her hand. It took every ounce of me not to tell her everything with my mom. I yearned for someone to talk to that wasn't in my immediate family. I wanted to have someone who I could call at four in the morning. I wanted someone who would listen.
Riley Matthews was the girl who would listen to me. I was a mess and she was perfectly together. I broke things and she fixed them.
But I couldn't be falling for her again. I couldn't put her in a situation that was absolutely toxic.
I let go of her hand and watched my hand drop to my side. She sighed again for the second time in the past five minutes.
"Let me in, Lucas." She pleaded. I didn't know what it was. Maybe it was my mind trying to gather every last shred of dignity that I had. My first impulse was to pull far away from her. My first instinct was to block her and anyone else who cared about me out. Maybe it was a way for me to cope or something. I was so afraid of everyone leaving that I was afraid to actually let someone in.
"I cant. How can you let someone into your life when they end up leaving or even dying?" I shook my head. How could I possibly want something so bad but push it away with every chance that I got?
"I'm not going anywhere."
Riley reminded me of a fire that could never be dulled or put out. There was always something- a fir of some sort- in her to make her fight for what she wanted. She was always trying to give chances to people who didn't deserve them, even if it meant that she would get hurt in the long run.
"But you already did." I backed up into our hole. It was the hole that we hung out in during the first couple of weeks of our freshman year. It was kind of my safe place from time to time. No matter how much I hated it back then, I finally got what she saw in it.
She followed me even though the bell rang minutes ago. We were too busy being wrapped up in our own world to even care about the school bell.
"With good reason." She argued.
I laughed quietly. It was more of an awkward laugh because I had no idea what else to do that wouldn't end up hurting her feelings.
"Everyone has a good reason. I can't let people in Riles, it's not something that I just do." I finally settled on something to say.
"I get it. You've moved on." She said. As much as I thought about moving on I didn't actually make any initiative to do anything about it. I still had numbers of girls who Zay urged for me to call. I held onto them figuring that one day I would get out of rileytown and move into reality.
"Yeah, I've moved on." I stood up to get to class but she stood up blocking my way. She was tall but not as tall as me so she laid her head in the crook of my neck.
Riley started planting kisses across my jawline and down my neck. She placed her hand over my chest right over my heart which must have been beating a million beats per minute.
"That doesn't feel like moving on to me." She whispered.
Riley untangled herself from me and started walking to her class. "I'll be sure to stop by this weekend." She said without even turning around.
I smiled and chuckled as I walked in the other direction.
