Less pain.
More pain.
There's pain.
My pain.
No pain.
Stop pain.
Life unlived is something that I always feared. Not taking the chances I was given was something that I would end up regretting.
If someone was to ask me what I regret in my life up to now would be that I didn't tell people how I really felt. All the times when someone asked me something and I lied to avoid hurting their feelings was time wasted. I would always carry around the guilt of lying to spare the unwanted feelings of the other.
Of course my biggest regret would be the current situation that I was already in. Putting on a mask every morning got hard. Concealing how I felt every single morning was tiring.
The only time that I came close to telling anyone anything besides Farkle was earlier this morning. My time with Lucas was the only time that I came close to telling anyone my feelings.
I stared at the outside through my window for hours before snapping back into reality. I waited for Maya to come but she never did. I think that at some point during our last class she mentioned that her and Lucas were going on some type of movie date.
"Are you okay?" My father's voice filled my room.
I turned around to him. He was stepped closer and sat down next to me. I looked up to him and tried to put on a smile.
"Just a hard day at school, that's all." I said to convince him that I was okay but it was more for me. I was trying to tell myself that I was okay.
"Okay, but just remember that I will always be here for you no matter what. If you ever need someone to talk to, I will always be right here." My dad smiled as he got up. He gave me a short hug and started to walk out.
"Love you, dad." I smiled.
"Love you too." He smiled back at me.
~ ~ ~
A long walk was what I needed to clear my head. I needed a moment to think to myself. Trying to clear my head proved harder than I thought considering that I ran into Maya and Lucas at my mothers café.
It was weird at first. Maya was over the moon that I showed up but Lucas would barely look me in the eye. Maya seemed to catch on and got up and left us alone for a few minutes while she ordered herself a new drink.
"Can we please act normal for her sake?" Lucas whispered as if Maya could hear us.
"Nothing about this is normal." I whispered back even though there was no reason to whisper. He was wrong, nothing could ever go back to normal.
"Why cant we just act like it is?" Lucas argued.
"Because it's not." I said just a little too loud.
"What's not?" Maya said as she sat down. She smiled at Lucas and I.
"We cant just act like-"
"Gender equality isn't okay. It's our next debate topic and we are suppose to come up with a list of reasons why gender equality is not okay." I finished Lucas's sentence. I glanced at Lucas and he nodded out of agreement and smiled at Maya.
"Yeah, we have to come up with a list by tomorrow and we cant think of anything because gender equality is something that should be clearly established and shouldn't even be a question in out society today. It's 2016! Why cant we all be equal?" Lucas practically yelled.
"Awe, look at my boyfriend being all preachy." Maya sat on his lap and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"And with that I will leave." I grabbed my bag and stood up. Maya pulled away from Lucas and grabbed my hand.
"Please, stay." She tried to convince me but I pulled away a little too harsh. Her smile dropped to an immediate straight face as I stepped away.
"You've been so distant since Lucas and I started dating. Is that why you've been so distant? Because Lucas and I started dating." Lucas stood up behind her and put an arm around her shoulder.
"No, I could never be distant from you." I lied. I tried to mask my emotions when saying it but she knew me too well to actually believe me.
"You're lying." Maya pointed out to me with absolute certainty.
"I could never lie to you." I lied again.
"But you just did." Maya turned around and pulled Lucas into a hug. After a second he wrapped his arms around her. I smiled at him for what he was ding for Maya. He nodded slightly at me and I turned around to walk away before I heard her voice.
"Riley?"
I turned around at met her eye to eye. "Yes?"
"You know that I would never take anything away from you, right? I would never take what was yours in the first place. I love you too much to do that." She somehow knew how I felt. I guess that it was kind of like a best friend intuition somehow.
"What are you referring too?" The nervousness what becoming to evident in my voice.
"You like my boyfriend, don't you?" She shook Lucas's body off of hers and he stepped away from her.
"Like you said, I would never take anything away from you." I responded.
"I know you wouldn't, but that doesn't answer my question. Do you like Lucas? She kept nagging for the truth when she knew that I would never give it to her, not this anyways.
"Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But if we were really friends you would already know how I feel, you wouldn't even need to ask." My words came out a little to rough but I meant every word that I said. "I'm sorry, Maya. You dating anyone will always be hard for me. The idea of sharing my sister kills me inside."
"I know honey, I know." Maya started. "When you find someone I am absolutely sure that I will feel the same exact way."
