we're trapped.
forced talk.
try again.
many mistakes.
bad timing.
start again.
"I hate not being able to talk to you." He whispered. My heart fluttered a bit in response to his words. I had never really heard that from him before.
"You don't need me to talk to." I said bitterly. It was hard to force the words out of my mouth. I was fighting with every ounce of my body to not collapse right there and then.
"But you're my favorite person to talk to." He responded. He took a step closer to me and I took a step back.
"I shouldn't be your favorite person to talk to." I admitted. It was half true. If he meant in a romantic type of way he should be referring to Maya, if he meant in a friendship type of way then it should be me. I know that it sounds very self-centered of myself but I couldn't help how I felt.
It stung, it stung to be this close with someone yet feel so far away. I regretted not making my feelings for him more prominent, even though I didn't know how more prominent I could have been.
I never told him how much I truly loved him, or that I loved him at all. I said that I liked him but liking him and loving him were two completely emotions that I never truly understood. That sounds very hypocritical of me to say that I love him and then say that I never understood love in the first place but it was true. What I felt for him was way beyond a simplistic crush. It was way more then heart eyes and passing notes in class.
He took another step closer and I took another step back. I stumbled over the leg of the chair and braced myself for the fall that was about to happen. It wasn't until I felt a large arm wrap around me that I felt safe.
Lucas pulled me closer to him, close enough for me to feel his hot breath on my lips. We were so close that I was tempted to close the gap between us, almost.
"We can't do this." I mumbled. His hand reached up and tucked a piece of my hair behind my ear. I smiled unwillingly. It was almost like an instinct for me to smile when I was around him. It didn't matter if we were in an argument or if we disagreed on something, I was just always smiling.
"I know." He admitted. A bit of resentment was starting to form inside of me. I knew it was wrong to resent Maya but it was involuntary. She knew how much I liked him when he choose her. I always thought that we were better friends then that.
If Lucas were to chose me I would have waited for her. I would have waited to make sure that she was truly okay with us before making any decision abut Lucas. Sometimes I stayed up late at night thinking about whether I was a factor in her decision to date Lucas. I never really hid my feelings about him to her up until the end of our whole love feud. I always thought that our friendship would come first. I guess I was wrong.
"What if for once we did the wrong thing?" I smirked as I wrapped my already shaky arms around his. My insides were screaming for me to stop. My conscious was warning me of everything that was going to happen. Maya would hate me and I would hate myself after.
"You're not thinking straight." Lucas slowly backed away. I knew that he was doing the right thing and I was kind of mad about it. Not kissing him would be something that I regret but I just couldn't do it. The morals and values that my parents instilled in me were very hard to ignore, especially when I could practically hear my parents voices in the distance yelling those morals and values to me.
"I know." I said mocking his earlier statement. "Can I ask you something even though I already asked it?"
"Hit me with it."
"Why did you really choose her?" I asked. His face dropped and he let out a deep breath of air.
"I didn't want to hurt any of you."
"It's too late, one of us are already hurt." I looked down to the ground. It was hard to keep fighting him because I knew that everything that he was saying was true. I knew from the beginning that he didn't want to hurt any of us but I also knew that in the end, one of us would get hurt.
"I didn't mean for you to not want to talk to me, I would never want to live in a world where we couldn't talk to each other." He fiddled his thumbs as I peaked at him through my eyelashes.
"I would never want to live in that world either. It was just too hard to talk to you after everything. I don't feel comf-"
"You don't feel comfortable with me anymore." He finished my sentence. A tear slipped from my face which I let fall. I know he saw the tear when he started to walk closer to me. His thumb grazed my cheek.
"I do feel comfortable with you, I just don't feel comfortable having our deep conversations like we use to." I felt more tears coming but I looked up and blinked rapidly trying to blink them away. It would have been perfect if it worked.
"I hate to see you cry, especially over something that I did." He wiped the last of my tears away as he wrapped me in a hug. His cologne clouded my vision as I let myself sink into his arms.
It was hard not to get to caught up in the moment. As soon as I let go of him he would go back to being my best friends lover. The guy that was dating my best friend, the guy that my friend seemed to love, the guy I couldn't have.
