no one
told me
it would
be this
way.
I spent the night trying to fall asleep. Every time I fell asleep I was woken up by a dream urging me to wake Riley up at this dreadful hour ad admit all of my deep rooted and self loathing feelings about my decision.
Of course, I eventually gave in to my dreams and decided to go and see the sleeping beauty. I walked down the almost quiet streets of New York City admiring the sight around me. I was always to caught up in my own world and own drama to appreciate the beaut around me. The kind of beauty that you can't see while staring at a cellphone screen or looking up images on the internet. This was real.
Eventually I made it to her apartment. It was almost one in the morning. I knew that she wouldn't be to fond over my sudden need to barge in her bedroom window but I really didn't feel like turning around.
I knocked on the window silently at first. I heard a little hum and stepped in the room. Riley had her mini book light on and appeared to be reading some type of women empowerment book. One out of the set that I got he for her birthday last year after she discovered the world of feminism and equal rights for all.
She patted for me to sit down next to her. She turned on the lam next to her bed ad then resumed her reading. "I was expecting to see you tonight. Not this late of course but I expected you." Riley said without daring to take her eyes off her book.
I knew that she wasn't actually reading her book. In the five minutes that I had been in her company she failed to turn the page.
I tapped the side of my leg waiting for her her to continue, but she didn't. "You expected me?" I asked. She brushed of the question and shrugged. She turned the page in her book and startd scanning the pages.
"I knew that you wouldn't be able to keep this from Maya an longer. I knew that Maya was waiting for you at your house, she texted me that she would be going to met you there so we couldn't go on our friendship day shopping trip. I know you Lucas. No matter how many times you shout 'you don't know me,' I know you pretty damn well." She looked up at me for the first time his evening, although it didn't last long. "That and saw Maya in the window while you were here."
I pursed my lips together not wanting to say something to dig my grave deeper. Hell, at this point I might as well dig my grave myself.
"We broke up, you know." I revealed.
Riley scrunched her forehead but didn't seem the least bit surprised. expected her to go full out best friend/sister mode and beat the living crap out of me.
"That doesn't mean that we can get together." She said without any hesitation.
This girl was the definition of confusion. Today she was so set on us sharing a kiss. A long awaited passionate kiss and not even ten hours later she is shoving me away. It was like we were on different time zones. We were unable to get on the same page.
"But this afternoon-" I was cut off before I could finish my statement.
"But this afternoon we couldn't have been a thing. This afternoon was a constant and painful reminder of your choice, Lucas. Yes, I would love to jump on you right now and kiss you senseless but that's a fantasy. Something that I conjured up in rileytown. A place of happiness and goodness. News flash, you're not good. We're not good. I cant just let the fact that you chose someone over me slip my mind. This is reality. This is real. Sometimes in the real world you have to us your head instead of your heart and in this very instance, my head is telling me no." The words came flowing out of Riley.
She was right. All along I was trying to justify my actions. I truly thought that by picking Maya I would save Riley the burden of knowing me in such a deep rooted way. I thought that I could protect her from me, the Texas Lucas side of myself. What I failed to realize was that I should have let her make that decision for herself.
"This whole time you've been telling me these reasons why you chose her over me that I just can't bring myself to believe. I want to know why you didn't chose me, and I want to know now." She interrupted my thoughts.
I sighed before answering her question. This time I would tell the truth, no strings attached.
"There's some things that you don't know about me, Riley. Some things that Zay doesn't even know. It' something that I am deeply ashamed of and something that I am trying to overcome. I was just afraid of hurting you or dragging you into the mess that I am. To be honest, Maya never seemed that into me. It was only when we were out in public or around you guys when we would act like we were together." I decided t stop there. She was my favorite person to talk to. If I was to start talking, I might never stop.
"Only I get to decide if something is good for me. Not you, not anyone else." Riley said ignoring all of the the other statements that I revealed in that short time.
"I get it Lucas, you need your space and that is totally fine but I need mines too. I can't jump into this weird relationship between us when we aren't even sure of ourselves as individuals. It's just not the right time," She continued. "I don't want to be involved with someone who can't even make a decision on which girl he likes more. I hope that you understand that. Right now lets just stay friends or individuals or whatever makes us happy. I do my thing and you do your thing. You are you and I am I. And if the end we end up together, it's beautiful."
I nodded and got up. I turned around and smiled back at Riley before climbing out the window.
