Passion and Ambitions

Chapter 5: Just Can't Let Him Go

Chapter Five: Just Can't Let Him Go

   It's been weeks since Phoebe and Clyde had seen each other. Carmin had been nudging her to talk to Clyde, but she can't squeeze him into her tight schedule. Phone calls, sure. But that's all. They've been together for four years now, and they always had time for each other. But things are different now. It's graduation year for her and Clyde (Clyde took up a five-year course). Phoebe thought it's just natural to feel this way. Distant. She buried herself in completing projects and her thesis, and in her work for Cosmo. She spent her free time hanging out with friends Carmin, Leila, Janice and Will. One day, she recieved a phone call from her boss.

"Phoebe, I'd like to congratulate you."

"Yeah, I'm graduating from college. Finally."

   Ms. G laughed.

"Not for that, silly. You've been just promoted to become a regular columnist in Cosmo."

   Phoebe's jaw dropped. She dared not speak.

"Isn't it awesome? Now, get on your butt and find yourself a place in the Big Apple!"

"Bbbbbig Apple," Phoebe stammered.

"You're moving to New York after grad, darling."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It's all happening so fast, Janice! All my dreams are coming true. I'm moving to New York City, baby. And nothing's going to stop me!"

"What about Clyde?" Janice asked. It clearly killed the joy in Phoebe's face. She totally forgot about Clyde. Her boyfriend.

"Well, I'm about to tell him. Later."

   Janice frowned.

"You totally forgot to include him to your plans? Hmmm?"

"I didn't. And I know he'll understand. He's very understanding when it comes to my work."

"Phoebe, tell me the truth. Are you and Clyde OK?"

   Phoebe's brows furrowed.

"Of course we are. We're fine."

"You just seem so distant. That's all."

"Well, he's doing his thing and I'm doing mine."

"All right. Whatever you say."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   Phoebe walked down the hall heading to the gym, where Clyde is shooting a couple of hoops with his crew. Phoebe entered to her surprise. Only Clyde was there. He was practicing basketball like crazy, shooting with all his force Phoebe thought the basket would collapse. Clyde did not seem to notice her, so she sat at the side where she could be seen by him. Clyde did notice her at the corner of his eye. He did a three point shot at looked at her. An angry look.

"You have time to visit me? I thought you were busy with your work."

   He glared at her. Phoebe swallowed hard.

"I have something to tell you. About--"

"Cosmo?" Clyde cut her off. Phoebe nodded.

"Yes."

   She saw Clyde's muscles tense, and she held back.

What was this? Why is he mad?

"Oh, of course. I should know. You always have more important things to do."

"Why are you mad?"

   Clyde threw the ball hardly to the floor that it bounced and hit the lamp hanging a few feet away from his back. He took a step forward.

"Why?! You ask me why? For fuck's sake Phoebe, I'm tired playing second fiddle to your work. I know it's important. But I'm your boyfriend. I did my freaking best to stay supportive and understanding to you and your damn work for four fucking years!! And what did I get? Nothing! You didn't even ask me how I felt. You never even cared."

   Clyde's words hit her hard. It was true. She had been selfish, all these years. She thought he was fine. She focused on her career. She had always been me, myself and I. Before she knew it, tears were clouding her eyes. No. She can't cry. She won't cry. Not in front of him. She's strong. She bit her lip.

"You're right. You're absolutely right," Phoebe laughed off. "I'm so sorry that you have to put up with my shit for so long. I was selfish. I'm really, really sorry." Phoebe said before storming out the gym. Clyde was left alone again, palming his face and slipping it through his hair in dismay.

   Phoebe quickly ran to the bathroom and locked the door.

It's not fair. I love him and it's not fair. He could've just told me. I hate myself , was all she could wail after being hit by the realization of how wrong she was. Of how wrong she was for paying no attention to how Clyde feels. Of how wrong she was for not spending quality time with him. Of not knowing how he feels. She cried her heart out, clenching her fists and punching the walls until it hurts no more.

"Phoebe! Phoebe!" Clyde called out. She silenced her cries. Too afraid for Clyde to see her in this condition: wrecked and ruined. It's all her fault anyways. The sound of Clyde's voice faded as he ran to the next hall. Phoebe called Carmin.

"Yo!"

"*Sniff* Carmin, it's Phoebe. Can you come over to the bathroom?"

"What's the problem? Are you crying? Oh my gosh! I'm on my way."

"I'm near the gym."

"Got it."

"Thanks. And please, don't tell anyone."

"K."

   A few minutes later, Carmin came in rushing at Phoebe's side. She held Phoebe as she collapsed to Carmin's arms in sobs.

"I'm so sorry,Carmin. I'm really sorry..."

   Carmin locked the door. Phoebe always had her back and is very supportive to her from the beginning of her friendship. Phoebe had always been strong and hard-hearted, and seeing her breakdown like this means something is terribly wrong.

"Why? Why are you sorry for?" Carmin asked in her most soothing voice.

"Clyde. Clyde finally told me how he felt. He told me he's tired playing second fiddle to my work. That I had been putting him off and focusing on my work more. But he was right, Carmin. He was. I'm so sorry. I hurt him. I wasted his efforts. I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry......"

   Carmin embraced her friend. So that's why Clyde had been brooding all this time. Phoebe is indeed wrong. But she admitted it. She hushed her friend's sobs.

"It's fine. It's fine. Everything's going to be all right."

"I don't know how to face him. I'm so screwed up. I... I..."

"We'll think something up. He loves you. I'm sure of that. And you love him, too. There's bound to be a way."

"You'll help me? You're not mad?" Phoebe said, blinking back tears.

"I know that what you did was wrong, but you are my friend. He is my brother. I only want to make things right again."

   Phoebe tucked her head and leaned to her friend.

"Thank you," she whispered.