Fairytail Oneshots (Ships)

[Jerza] The Twisted Thoughts That Bind my Mind

A/N: Actually scrapped something I had been working on for a while for this, don't know why...

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It was dark that morning, Jellal decided. Yes, that was how he remembered it. Were there clouds threatening rain the morning he betrayed Erza, or was it simply... dark? It must of been dark, but how could the morning be dark during the brightest season? Maybe he was wrong. It's not like it was early morning.

It didn't matter, he concluded. No need to dwell on such trivial things.

That would be something that a liar did, and Jellal was no liar. Perhaps manipulative, and definitely manipulated, but he had found that his ability to lie was noticeably lacking. People always seemed to see through him - atleast those close to him. Like Erza... perhaps he was only poor at lying to those who knew him well. A fortunate oversight for him to have, for it prevented him from pushing away those dearest to him. The one dearest to him.

Or perhaps he was so skilled at lying that he tricked himself into believing otherwise.

Impossible, Jellal concluded, there was no way he could do something like that.

Not when he was so hellbent on righting all the horrible wrongs he had committed. Crime Sorcière was a good start, but he still had a long way to go. 

For forgiveness.

For repentance.

For closure. 

For Erza.

But what if Erza simply was not happy with Jellal's efforts, if she wanted no part of it? The likelihood of that was very low, but it did not quell the fears in his mind. What, after all of his justified suffering, Erza had already moved on? Found joy in... someone else.

It would be best, Jellal urged himself, if he just stopped thinking about it.

Stop thinking about it!

He didn't. He couldn't. The thoughts consumed him with every free moment he had, sinking to the bottom of his stomach in the form of despair. It attacked him as he ate in the morning, and played underneath his eyelids as he lay to rest each night. And he rested. Not peacefully, not well, but just enough.

Jellal would rest as much as he could, he resolved. He not not let his foolish personal struggle get in the way of his conquest for retribution.

Perhaps retribution was too harsh a word. Repayment, more like. He simply wanted to make up for the unfathomable wrongs he committed in the best way he knew - fighting. He would fight dark guild after dark guild after dark guild until the evil was vanquished. Then he could deal with the darkness that dwelled within his mind.

Erza, Jellal lamented, did not approve of that.

As a matter of fact, it had been a source of much contention between the two. Why such penance? Erza couldn't understand. She didn't need to. She did not know what he did; had not seen what he had. The weight of oh so many precious lives did not weigh down her shoulders like they did Jellal's. Friends and comrades could never compare to innocence lost and evil assisted. Only the reformed Jellal knew what it was truly like, so only he and the members of his independent guild could fight it.

For this reason, and this reason alone, Jellal resigned himself to his degrading role.

But there were moments when Jellal relapsed and found doubt dwelling in his heart. It was at these times that he found himself wondering Magnolia's streets late at night, soaking in the blissful solitude. The cloudless sky revealing the milky moon... the whispering wind that swayed his tresses... the gentle fragrance of the flowering trees... Why was he here? He did not deserve such simple luxuries.

Jellal needed to get away. He could no longer stand his own miserable existence.

It was at his lowest point, when the terrible thoughts inevitably took hold, he would finally hear her voice again.

"Jellal," Erza would question in slight disbelief, "Is that you?"

And every time he would turn around, all bad thoughts would be instantly dispelled. The pleasant surprise on her face... the bright smile... all for him. She was his angel. His scarlet haired, strong willed, sword-wielding angel.

They way she bounded foward.

The way her voice carried through the air.

The way her arms gently wrapped around him.

Was it love that drove Erza to him? It had to be. There was no way it could be pity.

Yes, it had to love. What else could explain the warm smile that found a way to his face, or his eagerness to return the hug? His excitement to hear Erza's sweet words and his privilege to walk alongside her... It was just what he needed, really.

Erza, Jellal decided, was his one saving grace from his terrible, twisted thoughts.

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A/N: What is this. I hope its adequate.